Stache is shrugging

The anti-humour bunker

Anti-jokes that refuse
to have a punchline.

Anti-jokes and anti-humour: the setups that deliberately go nowhere. Confusing, flat, and weirdly funny. Tap to open one and confuse a friend.

60anti-jokes·0apologies

  1. I told my suitcases there would be no vacation this year.

    #1

    Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.

  2. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

    #2

    We'll see about that.

  3. I'm writing a book about reverse psychology.

    #3

    Please don't buy it.

  4. I used to think I was indecisive.

    #4

    But now I'm not so sure.

  5. My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall.

    #5

    I said maybe.

  6. My friend told me he didn't understand cloning.

    #6

    I said: 'That makes two of us.'

  7. I walked into a bar and ordered a double.

    #7

    The barman brought out a guy who looked just like me.

  8. My boss asked me what I thought of voluntary redundancy.

    #8

    I said I'd think about it.

  9. I'm reading a great book on the history of hinges.

    #9

    A real door opener.

  10. I was going to tell a time-travelling joke...

    #10

    But you didn't like it.

  11. My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.

    #11

    I had to put my foot down.

  12. I bought shoes from a drug dealer.

    #12

    I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

  13. Why did I divorce my wife?

    #13

    She kept making me things like 'The Wrong Sandwich.' I wanted ham. She made tuna.

  14. I just got fired from the calendar factory.

    #14

    All I did was take a day off.

  15. I tried to catch some fog.

    #15

    I mist.

  16. Someone stole my Microsoft Office.

    #16

    They have my Word.

  17. I told a joke about a broken pencil.

    #17

    It was pointless.

  18. I tried to learn braille.

    #18

    I just couldn't get the feel for it.

  19. I used to be a personal trainer.

    #19

    Then I gave my too-weak notice.

  20. My wife told me to put the cat out.

    #20

    I didn't know it was on fire.

  21. I have a lot of growing up to do.

    #21

    I realised that the other day inside my fort.

  22. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?

    #22

    Bob.

  23. I threw a boomerang a few years ago.

    #23

    I now live in constant fear.

  24. My wife told me I had to grow up.

    #24

    I said I will once I finish my jigsaw.

  25. I tried to write a chemistry joke.

    #25

    But I knew I wouldn't get a reaction.

  26. Why did I decide to become a vegetarian?

    #26

    It was a missed steak.

  27. I started a business making boats in my attic.

    #27

    The sails are going through the roof.

  28. My wife said she never listens to me.

    #28

    Or something like that.

  29. I quit my job as a postman.

    #29

    The job had too many letters.

  30. I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

    #30

    It's all about raisin awareness.

  31. I put my phone in airplane mode.

    #31

    Worst transformer ever.

  32. I used to have a job collecting leaves.

    #32

    I was raking it in.

  33. What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

    #33

    Aye matey.

  34. What's red and smells like blue paint?

    #34

    Red paint.

  35. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

    #35

    I don't know. It's a hypothetical scenario.

  36. What did one wall say to the other wall?

    #36

    Nothing. Walls can't talk.

  37. Two fish are sitting in a tank.

    #37

    Neither of them knows how to drive it.

  38. What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

    #38

    I don't know, I didn't get his name.

  39. Why did the man fall off his bike?

    #39

    A fridge hit him. It was a strange day all round.

  40. Knock knock. Who's there?

    #40

    It's just me. I've locked myself out again.

  41. Why did the chicken cross the road?

    #41

    To get to the other side. That's genuinely the whole story.

  42. What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

    #42

    Dr Dre.

  43. Why can't a bicycle stand up on its own?

    #43

    It's two tired. Also, it has no legs.

  44. What did the zero say to the eight?

    #44

    Nothing. They're numbers, they can't talk.

  45. A man walks into a bar.

    #45

    Ouch. It was an iron bar.

  46. What's green and has wheels?

    #46

    Grass. I lied about the wheels.

  47. What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?

    #47

    Where is my tractor?

  48. Why did the boy bring a ladder to school?

    #48

    There was no ladder. Please stop asking.

  49. Two guys walk into a bar.

    #49

    The third one ducks.

  50. What's the difference between a duck?

    #50

    One of its legs is both the same.

  51. How do you confuse a dad?

    #51

    Put him in a round room and say there's a joke in the corner.

  52. I asked a mate to help me move house.

    #52

    He said he'd support me, then leaned on the wall for an hour.

  53. Why did the man throw the clock out of the window?

    #53

    He wanted to. There wasn't a reason.

  54. What do you call a boomerang that always comes back?

    #54

    A boomerang.

  55. I told a chemistry joke and there was no reaction.

    #55

    That's not the punchline, it just happened.

  56. What's red?

    #56

    Lots of things, actually. It's a very common colour.

  57. Where does a general keep his armies?

    #57

    I don't know, I've never actually met a general.

  58. What did the ocean say to the beach?

    #58

    Nothing. It was quite an awkward silence.

  59. A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a pint.

    #59

    He drinks it. Turns out they can.

  60. How many dads does it take to change a lightbulb?

    #60

    One. Why would it take more than one?

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