Stache is smug

Cheese jokes & puns

Mature cheese.
Immature humour.

A carefully selected cheeseboard of terrible puns, short jokes and questionable observations. Pick a favourite and tell someone who can't easily leave.

47cheese jokes·0apologies

  1. What cheese do you use to hide a horse?

    #1

    Mascarpone.

  2. How do you approach a nervous Welsh cheese?

    #2

    Caerphilly.

  3. What does a cheese detective look for?

    #3

    A shred of evidence.

  4. Why did the mozzarella refuse to sign the contract?

    #4

    Too many strings attached.

  5. What did the cheese say during the group photo?

    #5

    People!

  6. I asked the cheesemonger for something mature.

    #6

    He told me to start paying into a pension.

  7. What do you call a dinosaur made of cheese?

    #7

    A Gorgonzilla.

  8. The cheese shop offered me a loyalty card.

    #8

    As if there was any risk of me leaving.

  9. Why was the cheese feeling sorry for itself?

    #9

    Everyone said it was getting stronger, but nobody wanted to sit next to it.

  10. What do you call a cheese that lifts weights?

    #10

    Shredded.

  11. My cheese has started keeping a journal.

    #11

    Dear dairy...

  12. Why was the cheese terrible at poker?

    #12

    Everyone could see it was about to crumble.

  13. I asked for a balanced cheeseboard.

    #13

    They put a wedge at each end.

  14. What did the cheddar say to the cheese wire?

    #14

    Cut it out.

  15. I labelled the cheese in the fridge 'Dad's'.

    #15

    Apparently that's our family's word for 'help yourself'.

  16. I tried to give up cheese for a month.

    #16

    It was the longest afternoon of my life.

  17. Why did the cheese shop install a revolving door?

    #17

    To improve its turnover.

  18. What's a cheese's favourite athletics event?

    #18

    The curdles.

  19. I bought a cheese safe.

    #19

    It's just a vegetable drawer. Nobody looks in there.

  20. I asked how long the cheese would last.

    #20

    The label said three weeks. I gave it till half past eight.

  21. The cheesemonger asked, 'How sharp do you like your cheddar?'

    #21

    I said, 'It only needs to beat a cracker.'

  22. The cheeseboard said 'serves six'.

    #22

    I've decided that's a challenge.

  23. My wife said we needed to talk about my cheese obsession.

    #23

    I asked if we could do it over a fondue.

  24. Why does Swiss cheese make a bad umbrella?

    #24

    The holes are a significant design flaw.

  25. I bought a cheese knife for special occasions.

    #25

    Turns out Tuesday counts.

  26. The waiter asked if I'd left room for cheese.

    #26

    I said I'd left room for improvement, and this was it.

  27. My wife asked me to describe the cheese in one word.

    #27

    Gone.

  28. I put the cheese on a pedestal.

    #28

    The crackers couldn't reach it.

  29. I tried to organise my cheese by age.

    #29

    The oldest one refused to tell me.

  30. What did the cheese say when it was caught stealing?

    #30

    'I was framed!' Admittedly, it was in a sandwich.

  31. Why did the cheesemonger get a telescope?

    #31

    To study the Milky Way.

  32. My cheese board has a handle.

    #32

    Finally, a takeaway I can get behind.

  33. I asked for a cheese with a strong character.

    #33

    It criticised my crackers.

  34. I took a cheese-making course.

    #34

    Finally, some culture.

  35. The cheese tasting came with a feedback form.

    #35

    I asked for more cheese. That was my feedback.

  36. I downloaded an app to track how much cheese I eat.

    #36

    It asked me to upgrade to unlimited.

  37. My wife asked me to put the leftover cheese away.

    #37

    I asked what she meant by 'leftover cheese'.

  38. My fridge has a cheese compartment.

    #38

    The rest is the cheese expansion area.

  39. I tried to ration the cheese.

    #39

    I cut it into seven pieces, then ate a week's worth.

  40. I asked the waiter which wine went with the cheese.

    #40

    He said the red. So I moved them closer together.

  41. The early bird might get the worm,

    #41

    but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  42. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

    #42

    Nacho cheese.

  43. Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion?

    #43

    There was nothing left but de-brie.

  44. What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?

    #44

    Halloumi!

  45. How do you get a mouse to smile?

    #45

    Say "cheese!"

  46. How do mice floss their teeth?

    #46

    With string cheese.

  47. What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow?

    #47

    Blue cheese.

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