Stache is smug

Dog jokes & puns

Good dogs.
Bad jokes.

Dog jokes and puns about stolen slippers, suspicious postmen and who's really in charge. Fetch a favourite and share it with another dog person.

60dog jokes·0apologies

  1. What do you call a dog that works in a laboratory?

    #1

    A lab assistant.

  2. What do you call a dog that's been out in the snow?

    #2

    A chilli dog.

  3. Why did the dog sit next to the drill?

    #3

    He'd heard it was a power tool and wanted help burying his bone.

  4. Why did the dog bring a pencil to the park?

    #4

    He wanted to draw some attention.

  5. What do you call a dog that can fix your car?

    #5

    A breakdown retriever.

  6. What do you call a dog that steals your breakfast?

    #6

    A cereal offender.

  7. What do you call a dog that loves bubble baths?

    #7

    A shampoo-dle.

  8. Why did the dog go to the bank?

    #8

    To make a de-paws-it.

  9. What do you call a dog that tells you everything?

    #9

    A tell-tail.

  10. Why did the puppy bring toilet paper to the party?

    #10

    He was a party pooper.

  11. I asked the café if dogs were allowed inside.

    #11

    They said, 'Only well-behaved ones.' So the dog went in and I waited outside.

  12. What's a dog's favourite pizza topping?

    #12

    Pupperoni.

  13. Why did the dog cross the road?

    #13

    Someone on the other side opened a sandwich.

  14. I taught my dog to fetch my slippers.

    #14

    Now I just need to teach him that I wear two.

  15. My dog understands every word I say.

    #15

    Unless I'm saying 'drop it'.

  16. I bought my dog an expensive bed.

    #16

    He loves it. It's where he keeps the things he's stolen off mine.

  17. My dog has never been fed.

    #17

    According to my dog, ten minutes after breakfast.

  18. I told my dog we were going for a short walk.

    #18

    He's still laughing. We're three fields away.

  19. I tried spelling out W-A-L-K so the dog wouldn't understand.

    #19

    Now he's excited and better at spelling than the kids.

  20. My dog only barks at suspicious people.

    #20

    So far, that's everyone who's brought us something we ordered.

  21. I took my dog to obedience class.

    #21

    He passed. I still need work on handing over treats quickly enough.

  22. I asked my dog to play dead.

    #22

    He waited until I said 'bath', then suddenly couldn't move.

  23. My dog is a terrible guard dog.

    #23

    He'd help a burglar carry the television if it meant a car ride.

  24. I told my dog to make himself at home.

    #24

    He took my seat. Apparently I live in the wrong house.

  25. My dog has a very strict diet.

    #25

    His food, followed by anything I'm eating.

  26. I bought a robot vacuum to deal with the dog hair.

    #26

    The dog thinks I've hired him a toy.

  27. I threw a ball for my dog.

    #27

    A bit extravagant, but he looked lovely in his bow tie.

  28. I put a camera in the house to check on the dog.

    #28

    He spends the day checking on the camera. Neither of us trusts the other.

  29. My dog knows exactly when dinner is.

    #29

    Five minutes earlier every day.

  30. I tried doing yoga with my dog in the room.

    #30

    Apparently lying on the floor means I've lost a fight and need licking.

  31. My dog has learnt to open doors.

    #31

    Still won't close one. Basically a teenager.

  32. I took my dog for a walk to clear my head.

    #32

    He stopped to sniff every lamp post. I've now had time to rethink my entire life.

  33. My dog loves watching cooking programmes.

    #33

    Finally, a show where he agrees with all the decisions.

  34. I bought my dog a puzzle feeder.

    #34

    He tipped it upside down. We may have underestimated him.

  35. My dog has a favourite stick.

    #35

    Unfortunately, it's still attached to the neighbour's tree.

  36. I told my dog the sofa was off limits.

    #36

    He looked at my wife. Apparently he wanted a second opinion.

  37. My dog is scared of the vacuum cleaner.

    #37

    Fair enough. It's the only thing in the house that eats faster than he does.

  38. I tried to sneak a tablet into my dog's dinner.

    #38

    He ate round it so neatly I'm considering asking him to do the tiling.

  39. My dog doesn't beg at the table.

    #39

    He supervises portion control.

  40. I asked the dog who was a good boy.

    #40

    He looked behind him. Not a promising sign.

  41. My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

    #41

    It got so bad I had to take his bike away.

  42. I asked my dog what two minus two is.

    #42

    He said nothing.

  43. What do you call a dog that can tell the time?

    #43

    A watchdog.

  44. What do you call a dog on the beach in mid-summer?

    #44

    A hot dog.

  45. I named my dog Five Miles.

    #45

    So I can tell everyone I walk Five Miles a day.

  46. What's Dracula's favourite dog?

    #46

    A bloodhound.

  47. What did the dog say to the tree?

    #47

    Bark.

  48. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

    #48

    A labracadabrador.

  49. I told my dog a joke about a bone.

    #49

    He didn't laugh, but he really dug it.

  50. What do you call a dog with no legs?

    #50

    It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.

  51. What do you call a snowman's dog?

    #51

    A slush puppy.

  52. If you have teenagers, get a dog.

    #52

    That way, someone will be excited to see you.

  53. I adopted a dog from a blacksmith.

    #53

    As soon as I brought him home, he made a bolt for the door.

  54. Did you hear about the stolen dog collar?

    #54

    Police are looking for leads.

  55. What's a dog's favourite superhero?

    #55

    Labra-Thor.

  56. How did the dog get all A's on its report card?

    #56

    It was the teacher's pet.

  57. Where's the one place you should never take your dog?

    #57

    The flea market.

  58. Dogs can't operate MRI machines.

    #58

    But cats can.

  59. Why did the skeleton climb a tree?

    #59

    A dog was after his bones.

  60. What did the Dalmatian say after dinner?

    #60

    That hit the spot.

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