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EVERYDAY DAD JOKES

Everyday dad jokes.
Small talk. Big groans.

Quick, clean dad jokes about everyday life, familiar phrases and the things that make you do a double take.

92everyday dad jokes·0apologies

  1. I used to hate facial hair.

    #1

    But then it grew on me.

  2. I'm terrified of elevators.

    #2

    I'm taking steps to avoid them.

  3. I was going to tell a time-travelling joke...

    #3

    But you didn't like it.

  4. I'm not a fan of Velcro.

    #4

    What a rip-off.

  5. What's brown and sticky?

    #5

    A stick.

  6. I used to think I was indecisive.

    #6

    But now I'm not so sure.

  7. People say I'm condescending.

    #7

    That means I talk down to people.

  8. What do you call a boomerang that refuses to come back?

    #8

    A stick.

  9. I couldn't remember how to throw a boomerang.

    #9

    Then it came back to me.

  10. Someone stole my mood ring.

    #10

    I'm honestly not sure how I feel about it.

  11. Two guys walk into a bar.

    #11

    The third one ducks.

  12. Why don't your nose and chin get along?

    #12

    They're always having words.

  13. How do you make a coat last?

    #13

    Make the trousers first.

  14. I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.

    #14

    I don't know y.

  15. I don't trust stairs.

    #15

    They're always up to something.

  16. What do you call a belt made of watches?

    #16

    A waist of time.

  17. I used to be addicted to soap.

    #17

    But I'm clean now.

  18. I walked into a bar and ordered a double.

    #18

    The barman brought out a guy who looked just like me.

  19. I'm afraid of calendars.

    #19

    Their days are numbered.

  20. I used to be addicted to the hokey cokey.

    #20

    But I turned myself around.

  21. The four most frightening words are: we need to talk.

    #21

    The next four: while I've got you.

  22. A man walks into a bar.

    #22

    Ouch. It was an iron bar.

  23. Why did the picture end up in prison?

    #23

    It was framed.

  24. Time is a great healer.

    #24

    But an absolutely terrible beautician.

  25. What do you call a knight who is too scared to fight?

    #25

    Sir Render.

  26. My friend keeps telling me it could be worse, I could be stuck at the bottom of a well.

    #26

    I know he means well.

  27. Adult friendship, defined:

    #27

    two people saying we should really meet up for about nine years.

  28. I've got to the age where I read the terms and conditions.

    #28

    Not for legal reasons. I just can't find the accept button without my glasses.

  29. Whoever invented the knock knock joke...

    #29

    Should get a no-bell prize.

  30. What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

    #30

    Roberto.

  31. How do you make a tissue dance?

    #31

    Put a little boogie in it.

  32. Knock knock. Who's there?

    #32

    It's just me. I've locked myself out again.

  33. A to-do list is really just one thing.

    #33

    A set of promises to a version of you that no longer exists.

  34. I don't snore.

    #34

    I dream that I'm a motorbike.

  35. My idea of a wild weekend now.

    #35

    Getting the bins out on the correct night.

  36. You spend all of childhood wanting to be older.

    #36

    Then all of adulthood making the noise oof when you sit down.

  37. The true mark of adulthood,

    #37

    is being genuinely thrilled to receive socks.

  38. I'm not saying I'm getting old.

    #38

    But I now choose shoes based purely on how easy they are to put on.

  39. Nobody warns you about the cruellest part of getting older.

    #39

    The earlier it starts getting late.

  40. You know you're getting older,

    #40

    when you buy a coat mainly for the pockets.

  41. There's a special kind of tired,

    #41

    that only arrives after a full day of doing absolutely nothing.

  42. What do you call a boomerang that always comes back?

    #42

    A boomerang.

  43. I entered ten puns into a competition hoping one would win.

    #43

    Sadly, no pun in ten did.

  44. Nothing humbles a grown man faster than one household task.

    #44

    Trying to fold a fitted sheet.

  45. Nothing makes you reassess your entire life.

    #45

    Quite like a smoke alarm with a low battery at 3am.

  46. Nothing ages you faster than one small task.

    #46

    Reading the back of a shampoo bottle without your glasses.

  47. I don't have grey hair.

    #47

    These are wisdom highlights.

  48. I used to tell jokes about paper.

    #48

    They were tearable.

  49. I've been thinking about taking up meditation.

    #49

    I figure it's better than sitting around doing nothing!

  50. Why did the belt get arrested?

    #50

    It held up a pair of trousers.

  51. Why is everyone tired on 1 April?

    #51

    They've just finished a 31-day March.

  52. Where do armies belong?

    #52

    In your sleevies.

  53. What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather?

    #53

    A shoe.

  54. My friend tattooed his favourite Star Wars character on his cheek.

    #54

    You should have seen the Luke on his face.

  55. How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?

    #55

    You follow the fresh prints.

  56. What did one hat say to the other?

    #56

    Stay here! I'm going on ahead.

  57. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?

    #57

    Sneakers!

  58. Why is Peter Pan always flying?

    #58

    He neverlands.

  59. Did you hear about the circus fire?

    #59

    It was in tents.

  60. Can February March?

    #60

    No, but April May!

  61. Stop looking for the perfect match.

    #61

    Use a lighter.

  62. How do you talk to a giant?

    #62

    You use big words!

  63. 'Dad, did you get a haircut?'

    #63

    'No, I got them all cut.'

  64. What's a dog's favourite superhero?

    #64

    Labra-Thor.

  65. I asked the assistant in the suit shop to leave me alone.

    #65

    He said, 'Fine. Suit yourself.'

  66. I went to a silent auction.

    #66

    I won a dog whistle and two mimes.

  67. How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

    #67

    Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear.

  68. What do you call the security guards for Samsung?

    #68

    Guardians of the galaxy.

  69. A man walks into a bar.

    #69

    He was disqualified from the limbo competition.

  70. Why did the old man fall down the well?

    #70

    He couldn’t see that well.

  71. Did you hear about the queen who's only 12 inches tall?

    #71

    She's a great ruler.

  72. Where did people hang out during medieval times?

    #72

    At knight clubs.

  73. What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

    #73

    Philippe Philoppe.

  74. Hi, I’m Cliff.

    #74

    Drop over sometime.

  75. What's the best thing about Switzerland?

    #75

    I'm not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

  76. I used to be a personal trainer.

    #76

    Then I gave my too-weak notice.

  77. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?

    #77

    They say he made a mint.

  78. Two sheep walk into a—

    #78

    baaaa.

  79. What do you call a queue of men waiting for a haircut?

    #79

    A barberqueue.

  80. Why did the picture go to jail?

    #80

    Because it was framed.

  81. I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger and bigger.

    #81

    Then it hit me.

  82. I talk to myself.

    #82

    Sometimes I need expert advice.

  83. I have a real fear of speed bumps.

    #83

    But I'm slowly getting over it.

  84. Did you hear about the woman who couldn't stop collecting magazines?

    #84

    She had issues.

  85. Why did the girl toss a clock out the window?

    #85

    She wanted to see time fly.

  86. Why did the cowboy adopt a dachshund?

    #86

    He wanted to get a long little doggy.

  87. What is a calendar's favourite food?

    #87

    Dates.

  88. Why do dragons sleep during the day?

    #88

    Because they like to fight knights.

  89. Why can't you trust a balloon?

    #89

    It's full of hot air.

  90. What month has 28 days?

    #90

    All of them.

  91. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

    #91

    Summer wasn't too bad either.

  92. Sundays are a little sad.

    #92

    The day before is a sadder day.

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