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FAMILY DAD JOKES

Family dad jokes.
It runs in the family.

Clean family jokes about parents, children, marriage and the everyday chaos of life together.

97family dad jokes·0apologies

  1. My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.

    #1

    I had to put my foot down.

  2. My wife says I have two faults.

    #2

    I don't listen, and something else.

  3. My wife accused me of being childish.

    #3

    I told her to get out of my fort.

  4. A room was full of people, but there wasn't a single person in it.

    #4

    They were all married.

  5. How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?

    #5

    When it becomes apparent.

  6. I don't always tell dad jokes.

    #6

    But when I do, he laughs.

  7. I told my wife she should really embrace her mistakes.

    #7

    So she gave me a hug.

  8. Here is parenting, fully summarised.

    #8

    Two years teaching them to talk, sixteen telling them to be quiet.

  9. I finally understand why my dad sighed every time he stood up.

    #9

    It's basically a full sentence.

  10. Adulthood is one quiet realisation.

    #10

    Your parents were winging it too, just with better snacks.

  11. I tell dad jokes but I have no kids.

    #11

    I'm a faux pa.

  12. There is one truly terrifying sound in this world.

    #12

    A toddler who has gone completely quiet.

  13. Two aerials met on a roof and got married.

    #13

    The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant.

  14. I spent the entire weekend childproofing the house.

    #14

    The kids still get in.

  15. My kid asked me to check under the bed for monsters.

    #15

    I said, mate, if something is down there it can have me, I'm shattered.

  16. Our wedding cake was so emotional.

    #16

    It was in tiers.

  17. What did the dad say when his kid said "I'm hungry"?

    #17

    "Tea's at six." He was having an off day.

  18. I told my wife I was building the car out of spaghetti.

    #18

    You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.

  19. My wife asked me to describe the cheese in one word.

    #19

    Gone.

  20. My wife asked me to put the leftover cheese away.

    #20

    I asked what she meant by 'leftover cheese'.

  21. I labelled the cheese in the fridge 'Dad's'.

    #21

    Apparently that's our family's word for 'help yourself'.

  22. My wife said we needed to talk about my cheese obsession.

    #22

    I asked if we could do it over a fondue.

  23. My wife told me to put the cat out.

    #23

    I didn't know it was on fire.

  24. I tried spelling out W-A-L-K so the dog wouldn't understand.

    #24

    Now he's excited and better at spelling than the kids.

  25. I told my dog the sofa was off limits.

    #25

    He looked at my wife. Apparently he wanted a second opinion.

  26. What's a penguin's favourite relative?

    #26

    Aunt Arctica.

  27. What's the worst thing about being a penguin at a wedding?

    #27

    Everyone keeps handing you their empty glasses.

  28. My wife said I never buy her flowers.

    #28

    Honestly, I didn't even know she sold flowers.

  29. My son asked me to explain subtraction.

    #29

    So I took his phone away.

  30. My son asked me to help him find x.

    #30

    I pointed at it. Apparently that wasn't worth any marks.

  31. My son said he'd done half his maths homework.

    #31

    Unfortunately, it was the half where you write your name.

  32. I asked my son what he'd learnt about probability.

    #32

    He said there was a very small chance he'd done his homework.

  33. My son asked what the lowest common denominator was.

    #33

    I said, 'Are they still looking for that? They were looking when I was at school.'

  34. Our Wi-Fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family.

    #34

    They seem like nice people.

  35. My wife asked me to sync her phone.

    #35

    So I threw it straight in the sea.

  36. My kids asked why I take the remote to the toilet.

    #36

    Because it's mine and I don't trust any of you.

  37. Every family holiday is just one thing.

    #37

    Having your normal arguments somewhere more expensive.

  38. My son wanted a pirate party with real buried treasure.

    #38

    I told him to look for the remote down the sofa.

  39. What's every parent's favourite Christmas carol?

    #39

    Silent Night.

  40. The kids' Christmas lists have arrived.

    #40

    One has hyperlinks.

  41. What do you get when you pull a cracker with your nan?

    #41

    Beaten. She's stronger than she looks.

  42. Why don't you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?

    #42

    He has private elf care.

  43. Nothing unites a family faster than one thing.

    #43

    All of them shouting different directions at a single satnav.

  44. Why did the bee finally get married?

    #44

    He found his honey.

  45. I don't need a search engine.

    #45

    My wife already knows everything.

  46. My kids gave me a "get better soon" card for Christmas.

    #46

    I'm not ill. They just think I could get better.

  47. Who delivers presents to baby sharks?

    #47

    Santa Jaws.

  48. How do you get an astronaut's baby to stop crying?

    #48

    You rocket.

  49. 'Dad, I'm hungry.'

    #49

    'Hi, Hungry. I'm Dad.'

  50. The cashier asked Dad if he'd like his milk in a bag.

    #50

    He said, 'No, leave it in the carton.'

  51. 'Dad, I feel like an ice cream.'

    #51

    'That's funny. You don't look like one.'

  52. 'Dad, did you get a haircut?'

    #52

    'No, I got them all cut.'

  53. 'Dad, can you put my shoes on?'

    #53

    'I don't think they'll fit me.'

  54. If a child refuses to nap,

    #54

    are they guilty of resisting a rest?

  55. My daughter gave me a World's Best Dad mug.

    #55

    At least she inherited my sense of humour.

  56. I was going to buy my son a book about procrastination.

    #56

    I keep putting it off.

  57. It's spicy:

    #57

    universal dad code for "I don't want to share."

  58. If you have teenagers, get a dog.

    #58

    That way, someone will be excited to see you.

  59. What's it like to have the best son in the world?

    #59

    You'll have to ask grandpa!

  60. What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?

    #60

    Time to go to sweep.

  61. I had a lovely date last night.

    #61

    Tomorrow I'll have a fig.

  62. What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?

    #62

    Where's Pop Corn?

  63. What did the mother cow say to her calf?

    #63

    It's pasture bedtime.

  64. What did the big flower say to the little flower?

    #64

    Hi, bud!

  65. How is my wallet like an onion?

    #65

    Every time I open it, I cry.

  66. What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids?

    #66

    There are pictures where the money used to be.

  67. The batteries are flat.

    #67

    No, they're round.

  68. My dad told me a joke about boxing.

    #68

    I guess I missed the punch line.

  69. Why couldn't the baby score in basketball?

    #69

    He was always dribbling.

  70. My wife said I should do lunges to get in shape.

    #70

    That would be a big step forward.

  71. What did the drummer call his two daughters?

    #71

    Anna One, Anna Two!

  72. Every time Dad puts the car in reverse, he says:

    #72

    'Ah, this takes me back.'

  73. 'Did you pick your nose?'

    #73

    'No, I was born with it.'

  74. 'Dad, can you make me a sandwich?'

    #74

    'Poof! You're a sandwich.'

  75. Why is the accountant also good at being a parent?

    #75

    Having kids is taxing!

  76. If I ever go missing, just follow my kids.

    #76

    They can find me wherever I try to hide!

  77. Cleaning with children in the house

    #77

    is like brushing your teeth while eating biscuits.

  78. Why do dads tell such bad jokes?

    #78

    To help you become a groan-up.

  79. My wife asked me to get six cans of Sprite.

    #79

    I realised when I got home that I'd picked 7Up.

  80. What does the dad diet consist of?

    #80

    All of the foods his kids can't finish.

  81. How many dads does it take to get you to clean your room?

    #81

    One, but it takes 18 years!

  82. Silence is golden.

    #82

    Unless you have kids, then silence is suspicious.

  83. I told my mum I'd call her later.

    #83

    She said she prefers 'Mum'.

  84. What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

    #84

    A father-in-law.

  85. My son asked me for a bookmark.

    #85

    He's eleven and still doesn't know my name is Brian.

  86. Why do jumpers hang out together?

    #86

    They're close-knit.

  87. Where do you save your dad jokes?

    #87

    In a dad-a-base.

  88. What family does the zebra belong to?

    #88

    I don't know. None of the families on our street owns one.

  89. My wife told me I have no sense of direction.

    #89

    So I packed my bags and right.

  90. First child eats dirt: Dad calls the doctor. Second child eats dirt: Dad wipes their mouth.

    #90

    Third child eats dirt: Dad wonders if they still need lunch.

  91. What did the hamburger name its baby?

    #91

    Patty.

  92. What do you call recently-married spiders?

    #92

    Newly-webs.

  93. Why did the little strawberry cry?

    #93

    His mom was in a jam.

  94. What do kids play when they have nothing else to do?

    #94

    Bored games.

  95. Knock knock. Who's there? Harold. Harold who?

    #95

    Harold do you think I am?

  96. My child dropped a pea at dinner.

    #96

    I asked, 'Did you just pea on the floor?'

  97. Why should you never date a baker?

    #97

    They're too kneady.

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