Stache is smug

FOOD JOKES AND PUNS

Food jokes and puns.
A generous helping of groans.

Clean food jokes about cooking, eating, fruit, vegetables and questionable table talk.

178food jokes and puns·0apologies

  1. What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

    #1

    A can't opener.

  2. What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

    #2

    A carrot.

  3. Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?

    #3

    Great food, no atmosphere.

  4. A lot of people cry when they cut onions.

    #4

    The trick is not to form an emotional attachment.

  5. Time flies like an arrow.

    #5

    Fruit flies like a banana.

  6. I ordered a chicken and an egg online.

    #6

    I'll let you know which one comes first.

  7. Why did the coffee taste like mud?

    #7

    It was ground only a minute ago.

  8. The pizza shop asked if I wanted six slices or eight.

    #8

    I said six. I couldn't eat eight.

  9. If you have ten biscuits and someone asks for half, what do you have?

    #9

    Ten biscuits and an argument.

  10. Which day is best for making pancakes?

    #10

    Fry-day.

  11. Why won't you go hungry in the desert?

    #11

    Because of all the sand which is there.

  12. Why don't eggs tell jokes?

    #12

    They'd crack each other up.

  13. Why did the coffee file a police report?

    #13

    It got mugged.

  14. Did you hear the rumour about butter?

    #14

    Well, I'm not going to spread it.

  15. Why did the tomato turn red?

    #15

    Because it saw the salad dressing.

  16. I used to hate eating clocks.

    #16

    It's very time-consuming.

  17. What do you call a shoe made from a banana?

    #17

    A slipper.

  18. I once got hit in the head with a can of cola.

    #18

    Lucky it was a soft drink.

  19. Why did I decide to become a vegetarian?

    #19

    It was a missed steak.

  20. Every bag of salad is really just a countdown.

    #20

    Eventually you're throwing away a bag of soup.

  21. Our wedding cake was so emotional.

    #21

    It was in tiers.

  22. What do you get from a very pampered cow?

    #22

    Spoiled milk.

  23. Why did the man stare at the orange juice carton?

    #23

    Because it said concentrate.

  24. What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

    #24

    Loads of things, once you put it in perspective.

  25. What did the dad say when his kid said "I'm hungry"?

    #25

    "Tea's at six." He was having an off day.

  26. I told my daughter I'd teach her fractions with a chocolate bar.

    #26

    By the time she arrived, we were doing subtraction.

  27. What's the difference between a lemon and a brick?

    #27

    Have you ever tried making lemonade with a brick?

  28. What do you call a fake noodle?

    #28

    An impasta.

  29. I told my wife I was building the car out of spaghetti.

    #29

    You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.

  30. I have a real fear of German sausage.

    #30

    I fear the wurst.

  31. The bravest thing I do all week,

    #31

    is guessing how much longer the milk has left.

  32. The priciest part of any meal out is one sentence.

    #32

    Shall we get a couple of sides?

  33. I've reached the age where having plans,

    #33

    means knowing what's for tea.

  34. Being an adult is mostly one sentence, on repeat.

    #34

    Right, after this coffee I'll be productive.

  35. Every year my birthday cake looks less like a celebration,

    #35

    and more like a fire hazard.

  36. The best part of being an adult,

    #36

    is deciding with full authority that you're having crisps for dinner.

  37. Nobody tells you most of adulthood is one task.

    #37

    Moving food from one container into a slightly smaller container.

  38. The early bird might get the worm,

    #38

    but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  39. I tried to give up cheese for a month.

    #39

    It was the longest afternoon of my life.

  40. What does a cheese detective look for?

    #40

    A shred of evidence.

  41. What did the cheese say during the group photo?

    #41

    People!

  42. What do you call a cheese that lifts weights?

    #42

    Shredded.

  43. My cheese has started keeping a journal.

    #43

    Dear dairy...

  44. What did the cheddar say to the cheese wire?

    #44

    Cut it out.

  45. I bought a cheese safe.

    #45

    It's just a vegetable drawer. Nobody looks in there.

  46. I asked how long the cheese would last.

    #46

    The label said three weeks. I gave it till half past eight.

  47. I bought a cheese knife for special occasions.

    #47

    Turns out Tuesday counts.

  48. My wife asked me to describe the cheese in one word.

    #48

    Gone.

  49. I asked for a cheese with a strong character.

    #49

    It criticised my crackers.

  50. I took a cheese-making course.

    #50

    Finally, some culture.

  51. My wife asked me to put the leftover cheese away.

    #51

    I asked what she meant by 'leftover cheese'.

  52. My fridge has a cheese compartment.

    #52

    The rest is the cheese expansion area.

  53. I labelled the cheese in the fridge 'Dad's'.

    #53

    Apparently that's our family's word for 'help yourself'.

  54. I downloaded an app to track how much cheese I eat.

    #54

    It asked me to upgrade to unlimited.

  55. I asked the waiter which wine went with the cheese.

    #55

    He said the red. So I moved them closer together.

  56. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

    #56

    Nacho cheese.

  57. Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion?

    #57

    There was nothing left but de-brie.

  58. Why does Swiss cheese make a bad umbrella?

    #58

    The holes are a significant design flaw.

  59. How do you approach a nervous Welsh cheese?

    #59

    Caerphilly.

  60. The cheese shop offered me a loyalty card.

    #60

    As if there was any risk of me leaving.

  61. My wife said we needed to talk about my cheese obsession.

    #61

    I asked if we could do it over a fondue.

  62. The cheese tasting came with a feedback form.

    #62

    I asked for more cheese. That was my feedback.

  63. I tried to ration the cheese.

    #63

    I cut it into seven pieces, then ate a week's worth.

  64. What do cats have for breakfast?

    #64

    Mice Krispies.

  65. My dog has never been fed.

    #65

    According to my dog, ten minutes after breakfast.

  66. My dog knows exactly when dinner is.

    #66

    Five minutes earlier every day.

  67. What do you call a dog that steals your breakfast?

    #67

    A cereal offender.

  68. My dog has a very strict diet.

    #68

    His food, followed by anything I'm eating.

  69. I tried to sneak a tablet into my dog's dinner.

    #69

    He ate round it so neatly I'm considering asking him to do the tiling.

  70. Why did the dog cross the road?

    #70

    Someone on the other side opened a sandwich.

  71. I'm on a seafood diet.

    #71

    I see food and I eat it.

  72. Venison never seems to be on special offer.

    #72

    It's always deer.

  73. What do penguins eat for lunch?

    #73

    Icebergers.

  74. A penguin asked a waiter, “Do you serve fish here?”

    #74

    “Of course,” said the waiter. “Bring them in.”

  75. Why did the two fours skip lunch?

    #75

    They already eight.

  76. The pirate chef said dinner was a surprise.

    #76

    So was finding out we had to catch it.

  77. What do you call a turkey on Boxing Day?

    #77

    Lucky.

  78. What's the best thing to put into a Christmas dinner?

    #78

    Your teeth.

  79. Why did the turkey join the band?

    #79

    It had the drumsticks.

  80. Why did the turkey turn down pudding?

    #80

    It was already stuffed.

  81. What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?

    #81

    Ice cream.

  82. What does a vegetarian zombie eat?

    #82

    Graaaains.

  83. What's a vampire's least favourite meal?

    #83

    Steak.

  84. A man walks into a library and orders fish and chips.

    #84

    The librarian explains it's a library. He apologises and leaves. Everyone handled it very well.

  85. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

    #85

    Because he felt crummy.

  86. What do you call a sad strawberry?

    #86

    A blueberry.

  87. What do you call a lazy kangaroo?

    #87

    A pouch potato.

  88. What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

    #88

    A depresso.

  89. What's a dog's favourite pizza topping?

    #89

    Pupperoni.

  90. What do you call a potato wearing glasses?

    #90

    A spec-tater.

  91. Where do pirates keep their biscuits?

    #91

    In a cookie JARRR.

  92. Why did the banana go to the hospital?

    #92

    It wasn't peeling well.

  93. What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?

    #93

    Halloumi!

  94. I was going to make a joke about pizza.

    #94

    But it was far too cheesy.

  95. I tried to organise my cheese by age.

    #95

    The oldest one refused to tell me.

  96. What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?

    #96

    "Get out of my face."

  97. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

    #97

    Snowflakes.

  98. Why was the turkey arrested?

    #98

    It was suspected of fowl play.

  99. What do skeletons order at a restaurant?

    #99

    Spare ribs.

  100. The cashier asked Dad if he'd like his milk in a bag.

    #100

    He said, 'No, leave it in the carton.'

  101. 'Dad, I feel like an ice cream.'

    #101

    'That's funny. You don't look like one.'

  102. It's spicy:

    #102

    universal dad code for "I don't want to share."

  103. I thought the tumble dryer was shrinking my clothes.

    #103

    Turns out it was the fridge all along.

  104. How do you make an eggroll?

    #104

    You push it.

  105. Why did the mushroom go to the party?

    #105

    Because he was a fun-guy.

  106. What do you get when you make funny soup?

    #106

    Laughing stock.

  107. I had a lovely date last night.

    #107

    Tomorrow I'll have a fig.

  108. Why do melons have weddings?

    #108

    Because they cantaloupe.

  109. Watch what you say around the egg whites.

    #109

    They can't take a yolk.

  110. Which vegetable is best at kung fu?

    #110

    Broc Lee.

  111. I was going to try an all almond diet,

    #111

    but that's just nuts.

  112. What does a nosey pepper do?

    #112

    It gets jalapeño business.

  113. What did the lunchbox say to the fridge?

    #113

    Don't hate me because I'm a little cooler.

  114. What did the grape say when it got stepped on?

    #114

    Nothing, just a little wine.

  115. Did you hear about the famous pickle?

    #115

    He's a really big dill.

  116. What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?

    #116

    Where's Pop Corn?

  117. Where do you learn to make a banana split?

    #117

    Sundae school.

  118. Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory?

    #118

    He kept throwing away the bent ones.

  119. What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?

    #119

    Yellow!

  120. What kind of car does an egg drive?

    #120

    A yolkswagen.

  121. How does a taco say grace?

    #121

    Lettuce pray.

  122. When two vegans get in an argument,

    #122

    is it still called a beef?

  123. 'Do you want to box for your leftovers?'

    #123

    'No, but I'll wrestle you for them.'

  124. I dreamt I was floating in an ocean of orange fizzy drink.

    #124

    It was a Fanta sea.

  125. A cheeseburger walks into a pub.

    #125

    The barman says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

  126. What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?

    #126

    Traffic jam.

  127. Whenever I try to eat healthily,

    #127

    a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.

  128. What does garlic do when it gets hot?

    #128

    It takes its cloves off.

  129. What do you call a hot dog on wheels?

    #129

    Fast food!

  130. What's a sea monster's favourite lunch?

    #130

    Fish and ships.

  131. Why shouldn't you tell secrets in a cornfield?

    #131

    Too many ears around.

  132. What's a robot's favourite snack?

    #132

    Computer chips.

  133. What does a sprinter eat before a race?

    #133

    Nothing. They fast.

  134. Have you heard about the chocolate record player?

    #134

    It sounds pretty sweet.

  135. 'Dad, can you make me a sandwich?'

    #135

    'Poof! You're a sandwich.'

  136. Cleaning with children in the house

    #136

    is like brushing your teeth while eating biscuits.

  137. My wife asked me to get six cans of Sprite.

    #137

    I realised when I got home that I'd picked 7Up.

  138. What does the dad diet consist of?

    #138

    All of the foods his kids can't finish.

  139. What did one plate whisper to the other plate?

    #139

    Dinner is on me.

  140. What do you give a sick lemon?

    #140

    Lemon-aid.

  141. Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?

    #141

    It lost its filling.

  142. What do you call someone who raises hens?

    #142

    A chicken tender.

  143. What do you give a scientist with bad breath?

    #143

    Experi-mints.

  144. Where did the pumpkins have their meeting?

    #144

    In the gourdroom.

  145. What did the skillet eat on its birthday?

    #145

    Pan-cakes.

  146. How does Darth Vader like his Christmas turkey?

    #146

    On the dark side.

  147. How many apples grow on an apple tree?

    #147

    All of them.

  148. Where do fruits go on holiday?

    #148

    Pear-is!

  149. Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory?

    #149

    He couldn't concentrate.

  150. Which vegetable is cool, but not that cool?

    #150

    Rad-ish.

  151. Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road?

    #151

    Because it ran out of juice.

  152. Why do peppers make such good archers?

    #152

    Because they habanero.

  153. What key is used to open bananas?

    #153

    A mon-key.

  154. First child eats dirt: Dad calls the doctor. Second child eats dirt: Dad wipes their mouth.

    #154

    Third child eats dirt: Dad wonders if they still need lunch.

  155. Why did the cake cross the road?

    #155

    It saw a fork up ahead.

  156. What kind of bagel can travel?

    #156

    A plain bagel.

  157. What do a cake and a cricket team have in common?

    #157

    They both need a batter.

  158. How can you tell if a pig is hot?

    #158

    It's bacon.

  159. What do you call a rude cow?

    #159

    Beef jerky.

  160. How do you cook an alligator?

    #160

    With a croc-pot.

  161. What is a calendar's favourite food?

    #161

    Dates.

  162. Why do bananas wear sunscreen?

    #162

    Because they peel.

  163. Did you hear about the ice-cream van accident?

    #163

    It crashed on a rocky road.

  164. What did the hamburger name its baby?

    #164

    Patty.

  165. What does an evil hen lay?

    #165

    Devilled eggs.

  166. Where do burgers go dancing?

    #166

    At the meatball.

  167. Why do hamburgers go south for the winter?

    #167

    So they don't freeze their buns.

  168. What do you call someone who can't stick to a diet?

    #168

    A desserter.

  169. Why did the little strawberry cry?

    #169

    His mom was in a jam.

  170. What do you call two ducks and a cow?

    #170

    Quackers and milk.

  171. Why didn't the chef season his dish?

    #171

    He ran out of thyme.

  172. How do you fix a broken tomato?

    #172

    With tomato paste.

  173. What's a karate kid's favourite drink?

    #173

    Wataaaa!

  174. My child dropped a pea at dinner.

    #174

    I asked, 'Did you just pea on the floor?'

  175. What did the slow tomato say to the others?

    #175

    Don't worry I'll Ketchup.

  176. I badly burnt my Hawaiian pizza.

    #176

    I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.

  177. Why should you never date a baker?

    #177

    They're too kneady.

  178. How are scooters like butter?

    #178

    They're on a roll.

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