Spooky season
Halloween dad jokes
frighteningly bad, on purpose.
Skeletons, ghosts, vampires, witches and the worst puns ever dug up. 68 Halloween dad jokes for the doorstep, the group chat and anyone who's earned a groan.
A little material for your next haunting
Halloween dad jokes are for the person who puts on a vampire cape and immediately asks whether anyone fancies a bite. This collection brings together skeletons, ghosts, witches and other creatures with absolutely no defence against a pun. Pick a few for the doorstep, slip one into the group chat, or keep a short set ready for the gap between carving the pumpkin and finding its lid.
For telling them aloud, read the setup first and give your audience a moment to guess. Then deliver the punchline as though you have just made an important announcement. The straight face is doing half the work. If you are choosing jokes for children or a school party, read through your picks beforehand and choose the wordplay your audience will understand.
The setups and punchlines are together below, so you can scan for a favourite without opening every joke. Tap a card to open its own page, where you can reveal the punchline and share the link. There is no need to wait until 31 October. Some households are haunted by this sort of material all year.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
#1He had no body to go with.
Why don't skeletons fight each other?
#2They don't have the guts.
What's a skeleton's favourite instrument?
#3The trom-bone.
Why are skeletons so calm?
#4Nothing gets under their skin.
What do skeletons order at a restaurant?
#5Spare ribs.
What did the skeleton say before dinner?
#6Bone appétit.
Who's the most famous skeleton detective?
#7Sherlock Bones.
What do you call a skeleton who won't get out of bed?
#8Lazy bones.
Why did the skeleton climb a tree?
#9A dog was after his bones.
What's a skeleton's least favourite room in the house?
#10The living room.
Why do skeletons hate winter?
#11Because the cold goes right through them.
Why are ghosts terrible liars?
#12You can see right through them.
What's a ghost's favourite pudding?
#13I-scream.
Where do baby ghosts go while their parents are at work?
#14Day-scare.
Why did the ghost go to the pub?
#15For the boos.
What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?
#16Boo-boos.
What do you call a ghost's mum and dad?
#17Transparents.
What does a ghost keep in its stable?
#18Night-mares.
I've opened a gym exclusively for ghosts.
#19It's all about the dead-lifts.
Why don't vampires have many friends?
#20They're a pain in the neck.
Why did the vampire get sacked from the blood bank?
#21He kept drinking on the job.
What's a vampire's least favourite meal?
#22Steak.
What do you get if you cross a vampire with a teacher?
#23Lots of blood tests.
Why did the vampire read the newspaper?
#24He heard it had good circulation.
What's a vampire's favourite fruit?
#25A neck-tarine.
How does a vampire start a letter?
#26Tomb it may concern.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
#27He had bat breath.
What's Dracula's favourite dog?
#28A bloodhound.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
#29Frostbite.
Why do witches ride broomsticks?
#30The lead on the vacuum cleaner isn't long enough.
What do you call two witches who share a flat?
#31Broom-mates.
Why was the witch top of the class?
#32She was brilliant at spelling.
What do you call a witch at the beach?
#33A sand-witch.
How do witches keep their hair in place?
#34Scare-spray.
Why don't angry witches ride their brooms?
#35They're afraid of flying off the handle.
What do you get if you cross a witch with an iceberg?
#36A cold spell.
How do you mend a broken pumpkin?
#37With a pumpkin patch.
What's a pumpkin's favourite sport?
#38Squash.
What did the pumpkin say to the carver?
#39Cut it out.
What do you call a chubby jack-o'-lantern?
#40A plumpkin.
What do you get if you divide a pumpkin's circumference by its diameter?
#41Pumpkin pi.
Why did the mummy have no friends?
#42He was too wrapped up in himself.
What music do mummies listen to?
#43Wrap.
Why don't mummies take holidays?
#44They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.
What does a vegetarian zombie eat?
#45Graaaains.
Why did the zombie stay off school?
#46He felt rotten.
Where do zombies live?
#47On a dead-end street.
What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf?
#48An unaware-wolf.
Why did the headless horseman get a job?
#49He was trying to get ahead in life.
What do you call a monster with no neck?
#50The Lost Neck Monster.
Why is the graveyard so popular?
#51People are dying to get in.
Why are graveyards so noisy?
#52All the coffin.
Why are spiders so good at IT?
#53They're natural web designers.
What's the scariest thing about Halloween?
#54The price of a bag of fun-size chocolate.
Why did the ghost cross the road?
#55Nobody knows. Nobody saw him do it.
What's the scariest thing about a haunted house?
#56The heating bill.
What do you call a witch with a broomstick?
#57A witch. The broomstick is fairly standard.
Why did the vampire go to the dentist?
#58Routine check-up. Fangs are a big responsibility.
How many ghosts does it take to change a lightbulb?
#59None. They prefer the dark, and they can't grip it.
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a pint.
#60He drinks it. Turns out they can.
Where did the pumpkins have their meeting?
#61In the gourdroom.
I tried to write a ghost story.
#62It had plenty of spirit, but no body.
What's a skeleton's favourite type of road?
#63A dead end.
A skeleton walks into a pub.
#64'A beer and a mop, please.'
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
#65Nobody knows.
Where do vampires keep their money?
#66In the blood bank.
Whenever we pass the cemetery, Dad says:
#67'That's the dead centre of town.'
How did the skeleton know it was about to rain?
#68He could feel it in his bones.
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