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DOCTOR AND BODY JOKES

Doctor and body jokes.
Laughter on prescription.

Clean jokes about doctors, dentists, bodies and everyday aches, with a healthy dose of wordplay.

59doctor and body jokes·0apologies

  1. My dog has a very strict diet.

    #1

    His food, followed by anything I'm eating.

  2. I'm on a seafood diet.

    #2

    I see food and I eat it.

  3. Why do fish live in salt water?

    #3

    Because pepper makes them sneeze.

  4. What do you call a fish that practices medicine?

    #4

    A sturgeon.

  5. How do fish get to hospital?

    #5

    In a clam-bulance.

  6. What do you call a bear with no teeth?

    #6

    A gummy bear.

  7. My boss asked why I'm only ever ill on work days.

    #7

    Must be my weekend immune system.

  8. Why can't a nose be 12 inches?

    #8

    Because then it would be a foot.

  9. What did the left eye say to the right eye?

    #9

    Between us, something smells.

  10. I broke my finger last week.

    #10

    On the other hand, I'm completely fine.

  11. I told my doctor I'd broken my arm in two places.

    #11

    He told me to stop going to those places.

  12. Why don't skeletons fight each other?

    #12

    They don't have the guts.

  13. Why did the nurse need a red pen?

    #13

    In case she needed to draw blood.

  14. I don't trust people who do acupuncture.

    #14

    They're back-stabbers.

  15. I wasn't going to get a brain transplant.

    #15

    But then I changed my mind.

  16. I've reached the age where my back goes out more often than I do.

    #16

    Nobody warned me about this bit.

  17. What's a skeleton's least favourite room in the house?

    #17

    The living room.

  18. I really wanted to be a doctor.

    #18

    But I just didn't have the patients.

  19. I told my optician I keep seeing double.

    #19

    He sat me down in two chairs.

  20. What do you call a nut that sneezes?

    #20

    A cashew.

  21. Why was the snowman rummaging in a bag of carrots?

    #21

    He was picking his nose.

  22. What's the best thing to put into a Christmas dinner?

    #22

    Your teeth.

  23. Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?

    #23

    He had low elf-esteem.

  24. Why don't you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?

    #24

    He has private elf care.

  25. Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.

    #25

    He was referred to a specialist. The waiting list is eighteen weeks.

  26. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

    #26

    Because he felt crummy.

  27. Why did the banana go to the hospital?

    #27

    It wasn't peeling well.

  28. I told my dog a joke about a bone.

    #28

    He didn't laugh, but he really dug it.

  29. My kids gave me a "get better soon" card for Christmas.

    #29

    I'm not ill. They just think I could get better.

  30. Who looks after elves when they're ill?

    #30

    The National Elf Service.

  31. What did the vet say to the cat?

    #31

    How are you feline?

  32. Why did the phone wear glasses?

    #32

    Because it lost all its contacts.

  33. Where do boats go when they're ill?

    #33

    To the dock.

  34. Bad news, everyone. I've been diagnosed with the peekaboo virus.

    #34

    They're sending me to the ICU!

  35. Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink?

    #35

    He's at the hospital waiting to be seen.

  36. What do you give the dentist of the year?

    #36

    A little plaque.

  37. What sits on the seabed and has anxiety?

    #37

    A nervous wreck.

  38. Why did the old man fall down the well?

    #38

    He couldn’t see that well.

  39. What time did the man go to the dentist?

    #39

    Tooth-hurty.

  40. I had a neck brace fitted years ago.

    #40

    I've never looked back.

  41. 'Did you pick your nose?'

    #41

    'No, I was born with it.'

  42. It takes guts

    #42

    to be an organ donor.

  43. What did the nose tell the finger?

    #43

    Stop picking on me!

  44. What do you give a sick lemon?

    #44

    Lemon-aid.

  45. Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?

    #45

    It lost its filling.

  46. How do mice floss their teeth?

    #46

    With string cheese.

  47. Dogs can't operate MRI machines.

    #47

    But cats can.

  48. What's the best smelling insect?

    #48

    A deodor-ant.

  49. What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?

    #49

    One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.

  50. Why'd the roofer go to the doctor?

    #50

    He had shingles.

  51. Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist?

    #51

    He needed to get a crown.

  52. Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?

    #52

    He had no body to go with.

  53. Why did the skeleton climb a tree?

    #53

    A dog was after his bones.

  54. Why should you never throw grandpa's false teeth at a vehicle?

    #54

    You might denture car.

  55. Why did the computer go to the doctor?

    #55

    It had a virus.

  56. I told my doctor I heard buzzing,

    #56

    but she said it's just a bug that's going around.

  57. How do you get to hospital with a broken toe?

    #57

    In a toe truck.

  58. Why did the deer go to the dentist?

    #58

    It had buck teeth.

  59. Why did the professor go to the eye doctor?

    #59

    He was missing a pupil.

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