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HOME AND DIY JOKES

Home and DIY jokes.
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Dad jokes about housework, sleep, furniture, DIY and all the little jobs around the house.

93home and diy jokes·0apologies

  1. I'm so good at sleeping.

    #1

    I can do it with my eyes closed.

  2. Two aerials met on a roof and got married.

    #2

    The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant.

  3. What's red and smells like blue paint?

    #3

    Red paint.

  4. I spent the entire weekend childproofing the house.

    #4

    The kids still get in.

  5. I bought my mate a fridge for his birthday.

    #5

    Can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

  6. My bed must be too short.

    #6

    I'm always lying in it too long.

  7. What never asks a question but always wants an answer?

    #7

    The door knocker.

  8. What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

    #8

    A can't opener.

  9. Why are elevator jokes so good?

    #9

    They work on so many levels.

  10. The shampoo bottle clearly said lather, rinse, repeat.

    #10

    I've now been in this shower for three days.

  11. You never feel older than one specific moment.

    #11

    Sitting on the floor, then planning the route back up.

  12. A washing machine will eat exactly one sock.

    #12

    Never two. Never a pair. It has standards.

  13. The older I get, the more I make one sound getting out of bed.

    #13

    That of a bowl of Rice Krispies.

  14. Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

    #14

    Because the P is silent.

  15. My mate threatened me with kitchen utensils.

    #15

    I said, is that a whisk you're willing to take?

  16. You want to test a relationship properly?

    #16

    Assemble flat-pack furniture together.

  17. The three scariest words in the English language.

    #17

    Some assembly required.

  18. Getting a full night's sleep.

    #18

    Has somehow become my entire personality.

  19. Someone broke in and stole all my lamps.

    #19

    I was, frankly, de-lighted.

  20. My kid asked me to check under the bed for monsters.

    #20

    I said, mate, if something is down there it can have me, I'm shattered.

  21. How many dads does it take to change a lightbulb?

    #21

    One. Why would it take more than one?

  22. My fridge has a cheese compartment.

    #22

    The rest is the cheese expansion area.

  23. I labelled the cheese in the fridge 'Dad's'.

    #23

    Apparently that's our family's word for 'help yourself'.

  24. My cat wanted me to open the door.

    #24

    Not to go through it. Just to improve her options.

  25. I installed a cat flap so I wouldn't have to keep opening the door.

    #25

    Now she knocks on the window instead.

  26. My cat knocked my glass off the table while looking straight at me.

    #26

    Nice to know we can still make eye contact.

  27. I caught my cat drinking from my glass.

    #27

    She looked annoyed that I'd put it so far from her chair.

  28. I thought I heard a burglar downstairs.

    #28

    Just the cat moving a chair at three in the morning. As you do.

  29. My dog is scared of the vacuum cleaner.

    #29

    Fair enough. It's the only thing in the house that eats faster than he does.

  30. My dog doesn't beg at the table.

    #30

    He supervises portion control.

  31. I bought my dog an expensive bed.

    #31

    He loves it. It's where he keeps the things he's stolen off mine.

  32. I tried doing yoga with my dog in the room.

    #32

    Apparently lying on the floor means I've lost a fight and need licking.

  33. I told my dog the sofa was off limits.

    #33

    He looked at my wife. Apparently he wanted a second opinion.

  34. I told my dog to make himself at home.

    #34

    He took my seat. Apparently I live in the wrong house.

  35. I bought a robot vacuum to deal with the dog hair.

    #35

    The dog thinks I've hired him a toy.

  36. I put a camera in the house to check on the dog.

    #36

    He spends the day checking on the camera. Neither of us trusts the other.

  37. My fish has a personal chef, a cleaner and a heated home.

    #37

    I have a fish.

  38. I asked the pet shop for a fish that needed no feeding or cleaning.

    #38

    They sold me a fridge magnet.

  39. The bakery next door burned down.

    #39

    Now the owner's whole business is toast.

  40. I got a job at a mirror factory.

    #40

    It's something I can really see myself doing.

  41. I started a business making boats in my attic.

    #41

    The sails are going through the roof.

  42. I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.

    #42

    All it was doing was gathering dust.

  43. Why did I put my money in the freezer?

    #43

    I wanted cold, hard cash.

  44. Why did the student do multiplication on the floor?

    #44

    The teacher said not to use tables.

  45. Why did the student take a tape measure to bed?

    #45

    To see how long they slept.

  46. A spotless house is a warning sign.

    #46

    It means the internet has been down for hours.

  47. My kids asked why I take the remote to the toilet.

    #47

    Because it's mine and I don't trust any of you.

  48. What did the pirate say when he found his wooden leg in the freezer?

    #48

    Shiver me timbers!

  49. My son wanted a pirate party with real buried treasure.

    #49

    I told him to look for the remote down the sofa.

  50. What's a skeleton's least favourite room in the house?

    #50

    The living room.

  51. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?

    #51

    Nothing. It was on the house.

  52. Why do witches ride broomsticks?

    #52

    The lead on the vacuum cleaner isn't long enough.

  53. I'm reading a great book on the history of hinges.

    #53

    A real door opener.

  54. What do you call a horse that lives next door?

    #54

    A neigh-bour.

  55. A book just fell on my head.

    #55

    I've only got my shelf to blame.

  56. What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?

    #56

    Halloumi!

  57. Why did the puppy bring toilet paper to the party?

    #57

    He was a party pooper.

  58. Why did the clock get kicked out of class?

    #58

    It was always winding people up.

  59. I once got into a fight over a duvet.

    #59

    But we managed to smooth things over.

  60. How do you know when Santa's in the room?

    #60

    You can sense his presents.

  61. I thought the tumble dryer was shrinking my clothes.

    #61

    Turns out it was the fridge all along.

  62. I wanted to take a bath,

    #62

    but decided to leave it where it is.

  63. When is a door not a door?

    #63

    When it's ajar.

  64. How do you make a fire with two sticks?

    #64

    Make sure one's a match.

  65. Have you heard about corduroy pillows?

    #65

    They're making headlines.

  66. What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?

    #66

    Time to go to sweep.

  67. What did one wall say to the other?

    #67

    I'll meet you at the corner.

  68. What did the sink tell the toilet?

    #68

    You look flushed!

  69. Did you hear the one about the roof?

    #69

    Never mind, it's over your head.

  70. Why was the broom late to class?

    #70

    It over-swept.

  71. What did the lunchbox say to the fridge?

    #71

    Don't hate me because I'm a little cooler.

  72. I gave my handyman six jobs. He only did numbers 1, 3 and 5.

    #72

    Turns out he only does odd jobs.

  73. What does a painter do when he gets cold?

    #73

    Puts on another coat.

  74. Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank?

    #74

    He wanted to make a clean getaway.

  75. I'm writing a book about glue.

    #75

    I'm stuck on the first chapter.

  76. Which musical instrument do you find in the bathroom?

    #76

    A tuba toothpaste.

  77. Cleaning with children in the house

    #77

    is like brushing your teeth while eating biscuits.

  78. How many dads does it take to get you to clean your room?

    #78

    One, but it takes 18 years!

  79. What's the easiest building to lift?

    #79

    A lighthouse.

  80. Why do jumpers hang out together?

    #80

    They're close-knit.

  81. What did one plate whisper to the other plate?

    #81

    Dinner is on me.

  82. What does Mrs Claus say when she looks out of the window?

    #82

    "Looks like rain, dear."

  83. How does a penguin build its house?

    #83

    Igloos it together.

  84. Why can't you hear a psychiatrist use the bathroom?

    #84

    Because the P is silent.

  85. What gets wetter the more it dries?

    #85

    A towel.

  86. What causes dry skin?

    #86

    A towel.

  87. What do pigs use to clean up?

    #87

    Hogwash.

  88. What did the blanket say to the bed?

    #88

    I've got you covered.

  89. What do you call a medieval lamp?

    #89

    A knight light.

  90. Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

    #90

    It got stuck in a crack.

  91. Who do you call to clean the ocean?

    #91

    Mermaids.

  92. Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

    #92

    It wanted to get to the bottom.

  93. Why did the candle quit his job?

    #93

    He felt burned out.

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