Stache is smug

MONEY JOKES AND PUNS

Money jokes and puns.
Interest guaranteed.

Clean dad jokes about money, banks, bills, shopping and the questionable business of saving up.

38money jokes and puns·0apologies

  1. The cheese shop offered me a loyalty card.

    #1

    As if there was any risk of me leaving.

  2. Where do fish keep their money?

    #2

    In the river bank.

  3. What do you call a shark that lends you money?

    #3

    A terrible idea.

  4. Venison never seems to be on special offer.

    #4

    It's always deer.

  5. I used to work at a shoe recycling shop.

    #5

    It was sole destroying.

  6. I used to be a banker.

    #6

    But I lost interest.

  7. I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.

    #7

    All it was doing was gathering dust.

  8. I gave away all my dead batteries today.

    #8

    Free of charge.

  9. My wife said I never buy her flowers.

    #9

    Honestly, I didn't even know she sold flowers.

  10. What's the quickest way to double a ten-pound note?

    #10

    Fold it in half.

  11. Why did the man put his money in the blender?

    #11

    He wanted liquid assets.

  12. My friend can't afford to pay his water bill.

    #12

    I sent him a get-well-soon card.

  13. Why did I put my money in the freezer?

    #13

    I wanted cold, hard cash.

  14. My budget spreadsheet says I can afford a holiday.

    #14

    As long as I don't come back.

  15. I told my boss three firms were after me and I needed a raise.

    #15

    He asked which ones. I said the gas, electric and water.

  16. What do you call a woman who sets fire to her bills?

    #16

    Bernadette.

  17. Every family holiday is just one thing.

    #17

    Having your normal arguments somewhere more expensive.

  18. The pirate asked the waiter for the bill.

    #18

    Then remembered he was a pirate and asked for the till.

  19. How much did the pirate pay to have his ears pierced?

    #19

    A buccaneer.

  20. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?

    #20

    Nothing. It was on the house.

  21. Why did the dog go to the bank?

    #21

    To make a de-paws-it.

  22. I bought a boat purely because it was for sail.

    #22

    No regrets.

  23. Where do snowmen keep their money?

    #23

    In a snow bank.

  24. What did the duck say to the waiter?

    #24

    Put it on my bill.

  25. How is my wallet like an onion?

    #25

    Every time I open it, I cry.

  26. What's the difference between a man's wallet before and after kids?

    #26

    There are pictures where the money used to be.

  27. Air used to be free at the petrol station. Now it costs £2.50.

    #27

    That's inflation for you.

  28. I went to a silent auction.

    #28

    I won a dog whistle and two mimes.

  29. Why is the accountant also good at being a parent?

    #29

    Having kids is taxing!

  30. How do you stop a bull from charging?

    #30

    Cancel its credit card.

  31. Did you hear about the octopus that held up a bank?

    #31

    It was an armed robbery.

  32. I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.

    #32

    A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

  33. What do you call a Santa with no money?

    #33

    Saint Nickel-less.

  34. How do you get a good price on a sled?

    #34

    You have toboggan.

  35. I went to buy some camouflage trousers.

    #35

    I couldn't find any.

  36. Where do vampires keep their money?

    #36

    In the blood bank.

  37. Why did the man bring his watch to the bank?

    #37

    He wanted to save time.

  38. What jewellery do rabbits wear?

    #38

    Fourteen-carrot gold.

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