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Pirate jokes & puns

Pirate jokes.
Prepare to groan aboard.

Pirate jokes and puns about parrots, buried treasure and captains with questionable qualifications. Pick a favourite and inflict it on your crew.

42pirate jokes·0apologies

  1. How much did the pirate pay to have his ears pierced?

    #1

    A buccaneer.

  2. What's a pirate's favourite letter?

    #2

    You'd think R, but his first love is the C.

  3. Why couldn't the young pirate see the film?

    #3

    It was rated Arrr.

  4. What did the pirate say when he found his wooden leg in the freezer?

    #4

    Shiver me timbers!

  5. Why did the pirate buy an eye patch?

    #5

    He couldn't afford an iPad.

  6. What do you call a pirate who skips school?

    #6

    Captain Hooky.

  7. Why did the pirate struggle with the alphabet?

    #7

    He spent years stuck at C.

  8. Where do pirates keep their biscuits?

    #8

    In a cookie JARRR.

  9. Why did the pirate refuse to play cards?

    #9

    Someone was standing on the deck.

  10. How did the pirate get his ship so cheaply?

    #10

    It was in the sail.

  11. The pirate asked the waiter for the bill.

    #11

    Then remembered he was a pirate and asked for the till.

  12. Why did the pirate wear his sword to school?

    #12

    He wanted to cut class.

  13. What did the pirate say at the job interview?

    #13

    I'm good at taking things on board.

  14. Why was the pirate terrible at keeping secrets?

    #14

    His parrot had a big mouth.

  15. I asked a pirate if he had a pension.

    #15

    He said he'd buried it somewhere.

  16. The pirate put his treasure in a savings account.

    #16

    He couldn't face digging another hole.

  17. My son wanted a pirate party with real buried treasure.

    #17

    I told him to look for the remote down the sofa.

  18. The pirate captain asked me to keep an eye on his treasure.

    #18

    Apparently taking it home was overdoing it.

  19. Why did the pirate return his new hook?

    #19

    He couldn't get the hang of it.

  20. How do pirates split their treasure fairly?

    #20

    They don't. That's why everyone brings a sword.

  21. Why did the pirate bury his treasure at the beach?

    #21

    He wanted his money somewhere safe. The toddler with the bucket had other plans.

  22. What happened when the pirate swallowed a clock?

    #22

    He started saying 'tick-tock' instead of 'aye-aye'.

  23. How do you make a pirate furious?

    #23

    Take away the 'p'.

  24. A pirate asked if I wanted to join his crew.

    #24

    I said I'd have to check with my captain. My wife said no.

  25. Why did the pirate bring sandpaper aboard?

    #25

    He'd heard the sea was rough.

  26. I asked a pirate how he stayed so calm.

    #26

    He said he'd already lost the plot. And the map.

  27. The pirate taught his parrot to say, 'It's all my fault.'

    #27

    Then put it in charge of customer complaints.

  28. Why did the pirate sack his parrot?

    #28

    It told the police his name and address.

  29. Why did the pirate get kicked out of the supermarket?

    #29

    He kept opening cereal boxes to look for treasure.

  30. The pirate chef said dinner was a surprise.

    #30

    So was finding out we had to catch it.

  31. I bought a pirate ship with free delivery.

    #31

    They left it with the neighbours. Their pond's ruined.

  32. Why did the pirate bring a pencil to the treasure hunt?

    #32

    In case he needed to draw his sword.

  33. What did the pirate say when he stepped on a Lego brick?

    #33

    Something the parrot wasn't allowed to repeat.

  34. Why did the pirate take a metal detector on his date?

    #34

    He was looking for someone with a heart of gold.

  35. What happened when the pirate tried online shopping?

    #35

    He clicked 'add to cart', then stole the delivery van.

  36. Why did the pirate buy a bigger hat?

    #36

    He'd been promoted to big-headed captain.

  37. My son said he wanted to become a pirate.

    #37

    He's already refusing to share and blaming the parrot.

  38. Why did the pirate leave the restaurant hungry?

    #38

    The waiter said the fish was on the house, and he couldn't get onto the roof.

  39. What do pirates do when they're cold?

    #39

    Stand in the corner. It's 90 degrees.

  40. The pirate captain said we were making excellent progress.

    #40

    We'd only been lost for two days this time.

  41. What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

    #41

    Aye matey.

  42. Why don't pirates like mountain roads?

    #42

    Scurvy.

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