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SCHOOL AND BOOK JOKES

School and book jokes.
Read it and groan.

Clean jokes about school, teachers, books, libraries and words that refuse to behave themselves.

80school and book jokes·0apologies

  1. I bought a book about understanding cats.

    #1

    She sat on it. Apparently I'm not cleared for that information.

  2. What's a librarian's favourite kind of cat?

    #2

    A catalogue.

  3. I taught my dog to fetch my slippers.

    #3

    Now I just need to teach him that I wear two.

  4. I tried spelling out W-A-L-K so the dog wouldn't understand.

    #4

    Now he's excited and better at spelling than the kids.

  5. I took my dog to obedience class.

    #5

    He passed. I still need work on handing over treats quickly enough.

  6. I asked my fish to keep a secret.

    #6

    Five minutes later, the whole school knew.

  7. Why did the fish bring a suitcase?

    #7

    It was moving to a different school.

  8. I bought a book on keeping fish.

    #8

    Every page was dry. Not a promising start.

  9. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?

    #9

    A thesaurus.

  10. Why did the penguin cross the playground?

    #10

    To get to the other slide.

  11. What separates a teacher from a train driver?

    #11

    One trains the mind; the other minds the train.

  12. I asked the librarian if they had books about paranoia.

    #12

    She whispered: 'They're right behind you.'

  13. The past, the present and the future walked into a bar.

    #13

    It was tense.

  14. I bought the world's worst thesaurus.

    #14

    Not only is it terrible, it's also terrible.

  15. I asked the librarian for a book on turtles.

    #15

    She said hardback? I said yes, with the little heads.

  16. Why are English history books so damp?

    #16

    They're full of reigns.

  17. Why did the math book look sad?

    #17

    Because it had too many problems.

  18. I'm writing a book about reverse psychology.

    #18

    Please don't buy it.

  19. Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?

    #19

    Because her students were so bright.

  20. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

    #20

    It's fine — he woke up.

  21. I'm writing a novel about clocks.

    #21

    It's about time.

  22. What happened when the tongue-twister champion was arrested?

    #22

    They gave him a tough sentence.

  23. I told a joke about a broken pencil.

    #23

    It was pointless.

  24. I tried to write a chemistry joke.

    #24

    But I knew I wouldn't get a reaction.

  25. I've written a book about falling down staircases.

    #25

    It's a step-by-step guide.

  26. My New Year's resolution was to read more.

    #26

    So I put the subtitles on the telly.

  27. I've written a book about hurricanes and tornadoes.

    #27

    It's only a draught at the moment.

  28. My mate said he'd read the entire dictionary.

    #28

    Not much of a plot, apparently, but it does explain everything.

  29. I bought a thesaurus, but every single page was blank.

    #29

    I have no words for how angry I am.

  30. I've been reading about Helvetica and Times New Roman.

    #30

    Turns out they're just my type.

  31. The first rule of Thesaurus Club:

    #31

    you do not talk, chat, natter or converse about Thesaurus Club.

  32. Why did the student do multiplication on the floor?

    #32

    The teacher said not to use tables.

  33. I bought a book called Maths Made Easy.

    #33

    The title was the last bit I understood.

  34. Why did the student take a tape measure to bed?

    #34

    To see how long they slept.

  35. My son said he'd done half his maths homework.

    #35

    Unfortunately, it was the half where you write your name.

  36. I asked my son what he'd learnt about probability.

    #36

    He said there was a very small chance he'd done his homework.

  37. My son asked what the lowest common denominator was.

    #37

    I said, 'Are they still looking for that? They were looking when I was at school.'

  38. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

    #38

    It's impossible to put down.

  39. Why did the vampire read the newspaper?

    #39

    He heard it had good circulation.

  40. Why was the witch top of the class?

    #40

    She was brilliant at spelling.

  41. What do you call a pirate who skips school?

    #41

    Captain Hooky.

  42. A man walks into a library and orders fish and chips.

    #42

    The librarian explains it's a library. He apologises and leaves. Everyone handled it very well.

  43. Why did the fish take a ladder to school?

    #43

    It wanted to get into a higher stream.

  44. I'm reading a great book on the history of hinges.

    #44

    A real door opener.

  45. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?

    #45

    Shakespeare.

  46. A book just fell on my head.

    #46

    I've only got my shelf to blame.

  47. Why did the pirate wear his sword to school?

    #47

    He wanted to cut class.

  48. I'm reading a book about teleportation.

    #48

    It's bound to take me places.

  49. Why did the cat sit on the dictionary?

    #49

    It wanted to have the last word.

  50. Why did the clock get kicked out of class?

    #50

    It was always winding people up.

  51. Why did the student bring a ladder to maths?

    #51

    To work on the higher numbers.

  52. I was going to buy my son a book about procrastination.

    #52

    I keep putting it off.

  53. Why was the broom late to class?

    #53

    It over-swept.

  54. Where do you learn to make a banana split?

    #54

    Sundae school.

  55. Why are fish so smart?

    #55

    They live in schools!

  56. Where do young trees go to learn?

    #56

    Elementree school.

  57. Where do books hide when they're afraid?

    #57

    Under their covers.

  58. I asked the librarian to recommend an author of dinosaur stories.

    #58

    She said, 'Try Sarah Topps.'

  59. I bought a pen that can write 'under water'.

    #59

    It can write other words too.

  60. I got an A on my origami assignment.

    #60

    I turned my paper into my teacher.

  61. I found a book called How to Solve 50% of Your Problems.

    #61

    So I bought two.

  62. What word can you make shorter by adding two letters?

    #62

    Short.

  63. What has more letters than the alphabet?

    #63

    The post office!

  64. I'm writing a book about glue.

    #64

    I'm stuck on the first chapter.

  65. How do you make seven even?

    #65

    Take away the S.

  66. Where do maths teachers go on holiday?

    #66

    Times Square.

  67. My son asked me for a bookmark.

    #67

    He's eleven and still doesn't know my name is Brian.

  68. How did the dog get all A's on its report card?

    #68

    It was the teacher's pet.

  69. What's more unbelievable than a talking dog?

    #69

    A spelling bee.

  70. Where do surfers go for an education?

    #70

    Boarding school.

  71. Why are libraries so tall?

    #71

    Because they have many stories.

  72. What's the best way to get straight A's in school?

    #72

    Use a ruler.

  73. Why didn't the sun go to college?

    #73

    It already had a million degrees.

  74. What's the first thing Santa's elves learn at school?

    #74

    The elf-abet.

  75. How do bees get to school?

    #75

    On the school buzz.

  76. When does Friday come before Thursday?

    #76

    In the dictionary.

  77. I'm reading a book on the history of glue.

    #77

    I just can't seem to put it down.

  78. What does a librarian use to go fishing?

    #78

    A bookworm.

  79. What do cows like to read?

    #79

    Cattle-ogues.

  80. Why did the professor go to the eye doctor?

    #80

    He was missing a pupil.

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