Stache is smug

TRAVEL JOKES AND PUNS

Travel jokes and puns.
The scenic route to a groan.

Clean dad jokes about cars, trains, boats, holidays and the journey from setup to punchline.

84travel jokes and puns·0apologies

  1. Why won't you go hungry in the desert?

    #1

    Because of all the sand which is there.

  2. I told my wife I was building the car out of spaghetti.

    #2

    You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.

  3. Why did the cat cross the road?

    #3

    You called it from this side.

  4. What do you call a dog that can fix your car?

    #4

    A breakdown retriever.

  5. My dog is a terrible guard dog.

    #5

    He'd help a burglar carry the television if it meant a car ride.

  6. Why did the dog cross the road?

    #6

    Someone on the other side opened a sandwich.

  7. Two fish are sitting in a tank.

    #7

    Neither of them knows how to drive it.

  8. Why did the fish blush?

    #8

    It saw the ocean's bottom.

  9. Why did the fish bring a suitcase?

    #9

    It was moving to a different school.

  10. Why did the fish cross the ocean?

    #10

    To get to the other tide.

  11. Why don't you see penguins in Britain?

    #11

    They're afraid of Wales.

  12. What do you call a penguin in the desert?

    #12

    Lost.

  13. My penguin friend says he can fly.

    #13

    So far, he's only shown me a boarding pass.

  14. What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car?

    #14

    Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

  15. Why did the chicken cross the road?

    #15

    To get to the other side. That's genuinely the whole story.

  16. What separates a teacher from a train driver?

    #16

    One trains the mind; the other minds the train.

  17. What do you call a calculator that falls in the sea?

    #17

    Something else you can't count on.

  18. A photon checks into a hotel with no bags.

    #18

    It's travelling light.

  19. Why did the man drop his phone in the ocean?

    #19

    Gravity, mostly.

  20. My wife asked me to sync her phone.

    #20

    So I threw it straight in the sea.

  21. I couldn't work out how to fasten my seatbelt.

    #21

    Then it clicked.

  22. I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.

    #22

    I lost my case.

  23. What did the traffic light say to the car?

    #23

    Don't look now, I'm changing.

  24. What did the ocean say to the shore?

    #24

    Nothing, it just waved.

  25. I told my suitcases there would be no vacation this year.

    #25

    Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.

  26. Why couldn't the sailor learn the alphabet?

    #26

    He kept getting lost at C.

  27. What's brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?

    #27

    A coconut on holiday.

  28. What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

    #28

    Get in the car.

  29. What do you call a man floating in the sea?

    #29

    Bob.

  30. What do you call a man with a car on his head?

    #30

    Jack.

  31. What's grey and can't climb trees?

    #31

    A car park.

  32. Every family holiday is just one thing.

    #32

    Having your normal arguments somewhere more expensive.

  33. What do you call a man with a number plate on his head?

    #33

    Reg.

  34. Why did the dad cross the road?

    #34

    He'd parked on the other side. Cracking space, to be fair.

  35. What do you get when you cross a road?

    #35

    The other side, ideally, if you look both ways.

  36. You've properly aged when one thing genuinely excites you.

    #36

    A really good parking space.

  37. What has four wheels and flies?

    #37

    All sorts of vehicles, if you leave the windows down in summer.

  38. How did the pirate get his ship so cheaply?

    #38

    It was in the sail.

  39. I bought a pirate ship with free delivery.

    #39

    They left it with the neighbours. Their pond's ruined.

  40. What do you call a train that sneezes?

    #40

    Achoo-choo.

  41. What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

    #41

    A Yamahahaha.

  42. What do you call a man with a map on his head?

    #42

    Miles.

  43. I bought a boat purely because it was for sail.

    #43

    No regrets.

  44. What do you call a boat full of clever students?

    #44

    A scholar-ship.

  45. Why did the pirate bring sandpaper aboard?

    #45

    He'd heard the sea was rough.

  46. I tried to start a hot-air balloon business.

    #46

    But it never really took off.

  47. What kind of car does an egg drive?

    #47

    A yolkswagen.

  48. What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?

    #48

    Traffic jam.

  49. What do you call a hot dog on wheels?

    #49

    Fast food!

  50. I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn’t stay long.

    #50

    There’s something fishy about that place.

  51. Why did the frog take the bus to work?

    #51

    His car got toad.

  52. Air used to be free at the petrol station. Now it costs £2.50.

    #52

    That's inflation for you.

  53. Where do maths teachers go on holiday?

    #53

    Times Square.

  54. What's 90 degrees but covered with ice?

    #54

    The North and South Poles.

  55. Where do basketball players go when they need a uniform?

    #55

    New Jersey.

  56. When is a car not a car?

    #56

    When it turns into a car park.

  57. Why do Norwegian warships have barcodes?

    #57

    So they can Scandinavian.

  58. Every time Dad puts the car in reverse, he says:

    #58

    'Ah, this takes me back.'

  59. What do you call a criminal landing a plane?

    #59

    Condescending.

  60. I'd like to thank pavements.

    #60

    They've kept me off the streets.

  61. What has four wheels and flies?

    #61

    A bin lorry.

  62. What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?

    #62

    They're both Paris sites.

  63. Where do boats go when they're ill?

    #63

    To the dock.

  64. That car looks nice.

    #64

    But its silencer seems exhausted.

  65. Which country's capital is growing fastest?

    #65

    Ireland's. Every day it's Dublin.

  66. What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea?

    #66

    Their crews were marooned.

  67. What sits on the seabed and has anxiety?

    #67

    A nervous wreck.

  68. Where's the one place you should never take your dog?

    #68

    The flea market.

  69. What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?

    #69

    A lamborghini.

  70. How did the piano get locked out of its car?

    #70

    It lost its keys.

  71. Why should you never throw grandpa's false teeth at a vehicle?

    #71

    You might denture car.

  72. What's a skeleton's favourite type of road?

    #72

    A dead end.

  73. Where do fruits go on holiday?

    #73

    Pear-is!

  74. Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road?

    #74

    Because it ran out of juice.

  75. Why did the cake cross the road?

    #75

    It saw a fork up ahead.

  76. Why are shopping centres boring?

    #76

    If you've seen one, you've seen the mall.

  77. Is there anything worse than when it's raining cats and dogs?

    #77

    Yes, hailing taxis.

  78. How do you get to hospital with a broken toe?

    #78

    In a toe truck.

  79. Where do birds stay when they travel?

    #79

    Someplace cheep.

  80. What kind of bagel can travel?

    #80

    A plain bagel.

  81. Where do sheep go on holiday?

    #81

    The Baaaa-hamas.

  82. Did you hear about the ice-cream van accident?

    #82

    It crashed on a rocky road.

  83. Where do elephants store luggage?

    #83

    In their trunk.

  84. Why don't pirates like mountain roads?

    #84

    Scurvy.

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