Stache is smug

WORK JOKES AND PUNS

Work jokes and puns.
All in a dad's work.

Dad jokes about jobs, bosses, trades and office life. Suitable for a very unproductive tea break.

75work jokes and puns·0apologies

  1. How do you make a coat last?

    #1

    Make the trousers first.

  2. Why did the coffee file a police report?

    #2

    It got mugged.

  3. What does a cheese detective look for?

    #3

    A shred of evidence.

  4. I asked the waiter which wine went with the cheese.

    #4

    He said the red. So I moved them closer together.

  5. Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion?

    #5

    There was nothing left but de-brie.

  6. My cat watches me clean her litter tray.

    #6

    I've never had a manager supervise me so closely.

  7. I just got fired from the calendar factory.

    #7

    All I did was take a day off.

  8. What separates a teacher from a train driver?

    #8

    One trains the mind; the other minds the train.

  9. I would tell you a construction joke, but

    #9

    I'm still working on it.

  10. I used to work at a shoe recycling shop.

    #10

    It was sole destroying.

  11. I used to work as a lumberjack.

    #11

    I was great at it, but then I got the axe.

  12. I used to have a job collecting leaves.

    #12

    I was raking it in.

  13. Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?"

    #13

    Because every play has a cast.

  14. I used to be a professional fisherman,

    #14

    but I couldn't live on my net income.

  15. I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people.

    #15

    But none of them work.

  16. The bakery next door burned down.

    #16

    Now the owner's whole business is toast.

  17. Why did I take the job at the bakery?

    #17

    I really kneaded the dough.

  18. I used to be a tailor.

    #18

    But I just wasn't suited for it.

  19. What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?

    #19

    Where is my tractor?

  20. I got a job at a mirror factory.

    #20

    It's something I can really see myself doing.

  21. My boss told me to dress for the job I want.

    #21

    So I turned up as Batman.

  22. I used to run an origami business.

    #22

    But sadly it folded.

  23. What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

    #23

    A satisfactory.

  24. I started a business making boats in my attic.

    #24

    The sails are going through the roof.

  25. My boss asked why I'm only ever ill on work days.

    #25

    Must be my weekend immune system.

  26. Why did the student do multiplication on the floor?

    #26

    The teacher said not to use tables.

  27. My teacher told me to check my answers.

    #27

    They're still there.

  28. Why was the maths teacher suspicious of the graph?

    #28

    It was plotting something.

  29. My maths teacher told me to show my working.

    #29

    I sent her a photo of me looking confused.

  30. My teacher said my answer was off by a factor of ten.

    #30

    I said that sounded much better than completely wrong.

  31. I quit my job at the helium factory.

    #31

    I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

  32. Someone stole my Microsoft Office.

    #32

    They have my Word.

  33. The pirate asked the waiter for the bill.

    #33

    Then remembered he was a pirate and asked for the till.

  34. What did the pirate say at the job interview?

    #34

    I'm good at taking things on board.

  35. Why did the pirate sack his parrot?

    #35

    It told the police his name and address.

  36. Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?

    #36

    He had low elf-esteem.

  37. I once had a job crushing cans.

    #37

    It was soda pressing.

  38. I used to be a professional skydiver.

    #38

    But I had to pull out.

  39. What do you call a cat caught by the police?

    #39

    A purrpetrator.

  40. I used to be a watchmaker.

    #40

    Brilliant job. I made faces all day.

  41. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

    #41

    "Supplies!"

  42. I tried to start a hot-air balloon business.

    #42

    But it never really took off.

  43. Why did the student bring a ladder to maths?

    #43

    To work on the higher numbers.

  44. Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory?

    #44

    He kept throwing away the bent ones.

  45. I adopted a dog from a blacksmith.

    #45

    As soon as I brought him home, he made a bolt for the door.

  46. Did you hear about the stolen dog collar?

    #46

    Police are looking for leads.

  47. I gave my handyman six jobs. He only did numbers 1, 3 and 5.

    #47

    Turns out he only does odd jobs.

  48. My boss told me to have a good day.

    #48

    So I went home.

  49. Did you hear about the wig thief who escaped from prison?

    #49

    Police are combing the area to find him.

  50. What kind of underpants do lawyers wear?

    #50

    Briefs.

  51. Did you hear about the bossy man at the bar?

    #51

    He ordered everyone around.

  52. What does a painter do when he gets cold?

    #52

    Puts on another coat.

  53. Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank?

    #53

    He wanted to make a clean getaway.

  54. Getting paid to sleep

    #54

    would be my dream job.

  55. I asked the assistant in the suit shop to leave me alone.

    #55

    He said, 'Fine. Suit yourself.'

  56. How do lawyers say goodbye?

    #56

    We'll be suing ya!

  57. What did the police officer say to her belly button?

    #57

    You're under a vest!

  58. Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory?

    #58

    He wasn't putting in enough shifts.

  59. What did the plumber say to the singer?

    #59

    Nice pipes.

  60. What do you call a criminal landing a plane?

    #60

    Condescending.

  61. Why is the accountant also good at being a parent?

    #61

    Having kids is taxing!

  62. What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

    #62

    A father-in-law.

  63. What kind of bird works on a construction site?

    #63

    A crane.

  64. Did you hear about the archaeologist who got sacked?

    #64

    His career is in ruins.

  65. What do lawyers wear to work?

    #65

    Law suits.

  66. Why'd the roofer go to the doctor?

    #66

    He had shingles.

  67. How did the barber win the race?

    #67

    He knew a shortcut.

  68. Where did the pumpkins have their meeting?

    #68

    In the gourdroom.

  69. I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.

    #69

    A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

  70. What do you call a teacher who's always adding things up?

    #70

    Someone you can count on.

  71. Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory?

    #71

    He couldn't concentrate.

  72. Did you hear about the cleaners who went to space?

    #72

    They ended up scrubbing the mission.

  73. Why did the employee go to work on stilts?

    #73

    He wanted a pay rise.

  74. Why did the football player hire a lawyer?

    #74

    He needed help with his defence.

  75. Why did the candle quit his job?

    #75

    He felt burned out.

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