Stache is smug

ANIMAL JOKES AND PUNS

Animal jokes and puns.
Wildly unnecessary.

Clean animal jokes about birds, farm animals, dinosaurs and creatures with a suspicious sense of humour.

150animal jokes and puns·0apologies

  1. Time flies like an arrow.

    #1

    Fruit flies like a banana.

  2. I ordered a chicken and an egg online.

    #2

    I'll let you know which one comes first.

  3. What do you get from a very pampered cow?

    #3

    Spoiled milk.

  4. The early bird might get the worm,

    #4

    but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  5. What do you get when you cross a fish with an elephant?

    #5

    Swimming trunks.

  6. Why do cows wear bells?

    #6

    Because their horns don't work.

  7. What do you call a pony with a sore throat?

    #7

    A little hoarse.

  8. What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

    #8

    One's really heavy, the other's a little lighter.

  9. Venison never seems to be on special offer.

    #9

    It's always deer.

  10. Why do baby birds get on so well in the nest?

    #10

    They don't want to fall out.

  11. Why don't you see penguins in Britain?

    #11

    They're afraid of Wales.

  12. What's a penguin's favourite relative?

    #12

    Aunt Arctica.

  13. Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?

    #13

    Their tuxedos don't have pockets.

  14. What do you call a bear with no teeth?

    #14

    A gummy bear.

  15. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?

    #15

    A thesaurus.

  16. What do you call a sleeping bull?

    #16

    A bulldozer.

  17. What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

    #17

    Bison.

  18. What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

    #18

    A dino-snore.

  19. What do you call a pig that does karate?

    #19

    A pork chop.

  20. What do you call a cow on a trampoline?

    #20

    A milkshake.

  21. Why do bees have sticky hair?

    #21

    Because they use honeycombs.

  22. What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

    #22

    Cliff.

  23. What time does a duck wake up?

    #23

    At the quack of dawn.

  24. What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?

    #24

    A maybe.

  25. I don't play cards on the savannah.

    #25

    There are far too many cheetahs.

  26. What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?

    #26

    A very confused vet.

  27. Why do birds fly south for the winter?

    #27

    Because it's simply too far to walk.

  28. What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

    #28

    Time to get a new fence.

  29. Two cows are standing in a field.

    #29

    One says moo. The other says, I was just about to say that.

  30. What do you call a snake that works for the government?

    #30

    A civil serpent.

  31. What do you call a penguin in the desert?

    #31

    Lost.

  32. What do penguins eat for lunch?

    #32

    Icebergers.

  33. Why did the penguin cross the playground?

    #33

    To get to the other slide.

  34. What's black and white and goes round and round?

    #34

    A penguin in a revolving door.

  35. A policeman caught a penguin stealing fish and shouted, “Freeze!”

    #35

    The penguin said, “What do you think I've been doing all day?”

  36. A penguin asked a waiter, “Do you serve fish here?”

    #36

    “Of course,” said the waiter. “Bring them in.”

  37. My penguin friend says he can fly.

    #37

    So far, he's only shown me a boarding pass.

  38. What's the worst thing about being a penguin at a wedding?

    #38

    Everyone keeps handing you their empty glasses.

  39. What's a penguin's favourite film?

    #39

    Frozen. It watches it for the scenery.

  40. What do you call an alligator in a vest?

    #40

    An in-vest-igator.

  41. What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?

    #41

    A receding hare line.

  42. What do you call a well-dressed lion?

    #42

    A dandy lion.

  43. What do you call a bear in the rain?

    #43

    A drizzly bear.

  44. What do you call a camel with no humps?

    #44

    Humphrey.

  45. What do you call a haunted chicken?

    #45

    A poultry-geist.

  46. What do you call a cow with no legs?

    #46

    Ground beef.

  47. I used to run a dating agency for chickens.

    #47

    But I struggled to make hens meet.

  48. I named my horse Mayo.

    #48

    Sometimes, Mayo neighs.

  49. What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car?

    #49

    Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

  50. What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account?

    #50

    Prime mates.

  51. What do you call a rabbit with fleas?

    #51

    Bugs Bunny.

  52. I asked the museum guide how old the dinosaur bones were.

    #52

    He said 65 million and four years. They were 65 million when he started, four years back.

  53. Why don't seagulls fly over the bay?

    #53

    Because then they'd be bagels.

  54. Why did the chicken cross the road?

    #54

    To get to the other side. That's genuinely the whole story.

  55. Why did the penguin leave the party early?

    #55

    It heard they were about to break the ice.

  56. A horse walks into a bar.

    #56

    The barman says nothing. Frankly, it's a serious health and safety concern.

  57. I asked the librarian for a book on turtles.

    #57

    She said hardback? I said yes, with the little heads.

  58. What do you call a snake that's good at maths?

    #58

    An adder.

  59. What has four wheels and flies?

    #59

    All sorts of vehicles, if you leave the windows down in summer.

  60. What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?

    #60

    Ice cream.

  61. What does a grumpy sheep say at Christmas?

    #61

    Baa humbug.

  62. What do you call a musical ant?

    #62

    A hum-bug.

  63. What do you call a lazy kangaroo?

    #63

    A pouch potato.

  64. What do you call a sheep that can sing?

    #64

    A baa-ritone.

  65. Why did the bee finally get married?

    #65

    He found his honey.

  66. What do you call an owl that does magic tricks?

    #66

    Hoo-dini.

  67. What do you call a crocodile with a satnav?

    #67

    A navi-gator.

  68. What do you call a duck that gets top marks?

    #68

    A wise quacker.

  69. What do you call a horse that lives next door?

    #69

    A neigh-bour.

  70. What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

    #70

    An irrelephant.

  71. I've decided to take up beekeeping.

    #71

    Apparently there's a real buzz about it.

  72. How do you get a mouse to smile?

    #72

    Say "cheese!"

  73. What do you call a fibbing cat?

    #73

    A lion.

  74. What is the cutest creature in the sea?

    #74

    A cuddlefish.

  75. Why did the horse apply for an office job?

    #75

    It wanted stable employment.

  76. What do you call a horse that travels around the world?

    #76

    A globe-trotter.

  77. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

    #77

    Ten-tickles.

  78. Why can't a leopard hide?

    #78

    He's always spotted.

  79. What did the duck say to the waiter?

    #79

    Put it on my bill.

  80. What do you call a fly without wings?

    #80

    A walk.

  81. Why did the rabbit go to the salon?

    #81

    It was having a bad hare day.

  82. A horse walks into a pub.

    #82

    The barman says, 'Why the long face?'

  83. What did the mother cow say to her calf?

    #83

    It's pasture bedtime.

  84. What kind of sandals do frogs wear?

    #84

    Open-toad.

  85. What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill?

    #85

    A lambslide.

  86. What do you call birds that stick together?

    #86

    Velcrows.

  87. Why did the frog take the bus to work?

    #87

    His car got toad.

  88. What do you call a horse that only comes out at night?

    #88

    A nightmare.

  89. Where do horses go when they're ill?

    #89

    The horsepital.

  90. How do you make a small fortune from horses?

    #90

    Start with a large fortune.

  91. What did the horse say when it fell over?

    #91

    “Help, I can't giddy up!”

  92. Why did the horse keep sneezing?

    #92

    It had hay fever.

  93. “This horse can jump higher than a house,” said the seller.

    #93

    “Well, obviously,” I said. “Houses can't jump.”

  94. What do you call a sheep who can sing and dance?

    #94

    Lady Ba Ba.

  95. I asked the librarian to recommend an author of dinosaur stories.

    #95

    She said, 'Try Sarah Topps.'

  96. Why can't pigs play football?

    #96

    They hog the ball.

  97. What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?

    #97

    They're both Paris sites.

  98. How do mice floss their teeth?

    #98

    With string cheese.

  99. Dogs can't operate MRI machines.

    #99

    But cats can.

  100. What do you call an elephant in a phone box?

    #100

    Stuck.

  101. What do you get when you cross a parrot with a caterpillar?

    #101

    A little walkie-talkie.

  102. How do you get a squirrel to like you?

    #102

    Act like a nut.

  103. What's the best smelling insect?

    #103

    A deodor-ant.

  104. How do you stop a bull from charging?

    #104

    Cancel its credit card.

  105. What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?

    #105

    One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.

  106. What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?

    #106

    A lamborghini.

  107. Why shouldn't you argue with a skunk?

    #107

    It'll cause a stink.

  108. Did you hear about the octopus that held up a bank?

    #108

    It was an armed robbery.

  109. What do you call someone who raises hens?

    #109

    A chicken tender.

  110. What's more unbelievable than a talking dog?

    #110

    A spelling bee.

  111. What do you call a moose with no name?

    #111

    Anonymoose.

  112. What kind of bird works on a construction site?

    #112

    A crane.

  113. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?

    #113

    Extinct, same as the others.

  114. You're riding a horse, with a giraffe beside you and a lion behind you. What do you do?

    #114

    Get off the carousel.

  115. What family does the zebra belong to?

    #115

    I don't know. None of the families on our street owns one.

  116. A man walks into a pub with a parrot on his shoulder. The barman asks, 'Does the animal talk?'

    #116

    The parrot says, 'I don't know. He's never said a word to me.'

  117. What does a sports fan have in common with an angry chicken?

    #117

    A foul mouth.

  118. How does a penguin build its house?

    #118

    Igloos it together.

  119. What do you call a beehive with no exit?

    #119

    Un-bee-leave-able.

  120. What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday?

    #120

    Hoppy Birthday!

  121. What key is used to open bananas?

    #121

    A mon-key.

  122. What do you call a cow that's just given birth?

    #122

    De-calf-inated.

  123. How do you find a cheetah in the dark?

    #123

    Use a spotlight.

  124. How do bees get to school?

    #124

    On the school buzz.

  125. What do horses do when it's time for bed?

    #125

    Hit the hay.

  126. Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

    #126

    Because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan.

  127. Why do ducks have feathers on their tails?

    #127

    To cover their butt-quacks.

  128. Where do birds stay when they travel?

    #128

    Someplace cheep.

  129. Where do sheep go on holiday?

    #129

    The Baaaa-hamas.

  130. How can you tell if a pig is hot?

    #130

    It's bacon.

  131. What do you call a rude cow?

    #131

    Beef jerky.

  132. How do you cook an alligator?

    #132

    With a croc-pot.

  133. What kind of bug can tell time?

    #133

    A clock-roach.

  134. What do pigs use to clean up?

    #134

    Hogwash.

  135. What jewellery do rabbits wear?

    #135

    Fourteen-carrot gold.

  136. Why did the deer go to the dentist?

    #136

    It had buck teeth.

  137. Where does a sheep go to get a haircut?

    #137

    The baa baa shop.

  138. Why did the duck fall on the pavement?

    #138

    It tripped on a quack.

  139. How do birds learn to fly?

    #139

    They wing it.

  140. What does an evil hen lay?

    #140

    Devilled eggs.

  141. What do you call recently-married spiders?

    #141

    Newly-webs.

  142. What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow?

    #142

    Blue cheese.

  143. Where do elephants store luggage?

    #143

    In their trunk.

  144. What do cows like to read?

    #144

    Cattle-ogues.

  145. What do you call two ducks and a cow?

    #145

    Quackers and milk.

  146. What do you call it when a cow grows facial hair?

    #146

    A moo-stache.

  147. What do you call an anxious fly?

    #147

    A jitterbug.

  148. Why did the cow go to Hollywood?

    #148

    To be in the moo-vies.

  149. What do you get if you cross a grumpy sheep with a grumpy cow?

    #149

    A baa-d moo-d.

  150. What did the crocodile wear to the beach?

    #150

    Crocs.

More where that came from

Want them one at a time?

The app serves fresh material one joke at a time. Tap to reveal, react, stash the keepers, and share the ones that land - or don't.

Open the app →Browse all collections