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Christmas cracker jokes
worse than the ones in the box.

Over 100 Christmas cracker jokes: Santa, elves, reindeer, snowmen and sprouts. The classics you expect, plus a few new ones. Read them out at the table and wait for the groan.

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Small slips of paper. Considerable groans.

Christmas cracker jokes have a very specific job: fit on a small piece of paper and make an entire table react at once. This collection leans into that tradition with Santa, elves, reindeer, snowmen and festive food. Browse the setups and punchlines together, then choose the ones you can picture somebody reading aloud in a paper crown that is already splitting at the seam.

For homemade crackers, pick a short setup and an equally short answer. Write or print them clearly, fold the answer out of sight, and mix the jokes so neighbouring guests do not get the same one. If children are joining in, review the wording and choose references they will recognise. Try reading each joke aloud before using it: a pun that looks obvious on paper can sound quite different across a busy dinner table.

You can also use these as a quick guessing game while dinner is cooking. Let somebody offer an answer before revealing the official groaner. Each card opens a separate joke page if you want to send it on. For festive observations, family one-liners and the wider business of being Dad at Christmas, follow the Christmas dad jokes collection below.

  1. What do you call Santa's little helpers?

    #1

    Subordinate clauses.

  2. What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?

    #2

    A Christmas quacker.

  3. Why does Santa have three gardens?

    #3

    So he can ho ho ho.

  4. Who delivers presents to baby sharks?

    #4

    Santa Jaws.

  5. What do you call a Santa with no money?

    #5

    Saint Nickel-less.

  6. What does Santa get when he's stuck in a chimney?

    #6

    Claus-trophobia.

  7. What nationality is Santa?

    #7

    North Polish.

  8. Where does Santa stay on holiday?

    #8

    In a ho-ho-hotel.

  9. What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas?

    #9

    Sandy Claws.

  10. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?

    #10

    Nothing. It was on the house.

  11. Why does Santa go down the chimney?

    #11

    Because it soots him.

  12. What do you get if Santa comes down the chimney while the fire's lit?

    #12

    Crisp Kringle.

  13. What does Santa do when the elves misbehave?

    #13

    He gives them the sack.

  14. What do you call it when everyone claps at Christmas?

    #14

    Santapplause.

  15. What does Mrs Claus say when she looks out of the window?

    #15

    "Looks like rain, dear."

  16. What's Mrs Claus's first name?

    #16

    Mary. Mary Christmas.

  17. What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?

    #17

    A Holly Davidson.

  18. Why did Santa get a ticket on Christmas Eve?

    #18

    He left his sleigh in a snow parking zone.

  19. Why is Santa so good at hip-hop?

    #19

    Years of wrapping.

  20. How does Santa take photos?

    #20

    With his North Pole-aroid.

  21. How do you know when Santa's in the room?

    #21

    You can sense his presents.

  22. What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?

    #22

    A rebel without a Claus.

  23. What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?

    #23

    Black mail.

  24. Why don't you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?

    #24

    He has private elf care.

  25. What did Father Christmas do at speed dating?

    #25

    He pulled a cracker.

  26. What kind of photos do elves take?

    #26

    Elfies.

  27. What do you call an elf who's won the lottery?

    #27

    Welfy.

  28. What do elves do after school?

    #28

    Their gnome-work.

  29. What do you call an elf wearing earmuffs?

    #29

    Anything you like. He can't hear you.

  30. How many elves does it take to change a lightbulb?

    #30

    Ten. One to change it, nine to stand on each other's shoulders.

  31. Who looks after elves when they're ill?

    #31

    The National Elf Service.

  32. Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?

    #32

    He had low elf-esteem.

  33. Where do elves go to vote?

    #33

    The North Poll.

  34. How do you help someone who's lost their Christmas spirit?

    #34

    Nurse them back to elf.

  35. Who's an elf's favourite singer?

    #35

    Elf-is Presley.

  36. What do you call a reindeer with bad manners?

    #36

    Rude-olph.

  37. What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?

    #37

    No i-deer.

  38. Why did Rudolph get a bad school report?

    #38

    He went down in history.

  39. What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?

    #39

    Horn-aments.

  40. What's the difference between a knight and a reindeer?

    #40

    One slays the dragon, the other drags the sleigh.

  41. What does a reindeer say before telling a joke?

    #41

    "This one'll sleigh you."

  42. Where do reindeer stop for coffee?

    #42

    Star-bucks.

  43. What game do reindeer play at sleepovers?

    #43

    Truth or deer.

  44. How much does it cost to run Santa's sleigh?

    #44

    Eight bucks. Nine if it's foggy.

  45. What does a reindeer do when he loses his tail?

    #45

    He goes to a re-tail shop.

  46. What's the wettest animal at Christmas?

    #46

    A rain-deer.

  47. Why did nobody bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?

    #47

    They were two deer.

  48. Why does Scrooge love reindeer?

    #48

    Every single buck is dear to him.

  49. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

    #49

    Snowflakes.

  50. What do snowmen wear on their heads?

    #50

    Ice caps.

  51. How do snowmen get around?

    #51

    By icicle.

  52. What did one snowman say to the other?

    #52

    "Can you smell carrots?"

  53. What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?

    #53

    "Get out of my face."

  54. How do you scare a snowman?

    #54

    Show him a hairdryer.

  55. Where do snowmen keep their money?

    #55

    In a snow bank.

  56. What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?

    #56

    A snowmobile.

  57. What do snowmen call their kids?

    #57

    Chill-dren.

  58. Why was the snowman rummaging in a bag of carrots?

    #58

    He was picking his nose.

  59. What do you call a snowman's dog?

    #59

    A slush puppy.

  60. Where do snowmen go to dance?

    #60

    The snowball.

  61. What happened when the snowwoman fell out with the snowman?

    #61

    She gave him the cold shoulder.

  62. What do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?

    #62

    Freeze a jolly good fellow.

  63. What do you call an old snowman?

    #63

    Water.

  64. What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?

    #64

    An abdominal snowman.

  65. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

    #65

    Frostbite.

  66. What's the best thing to put into a Christmas dinner?

    #66

    Your teeth.

  67. Why did the turkey join the band?

    #67

    It had the drumsticks.

  68. What do you get if you cross a turkey with a ghost?

    #68

    A poultry-geist.

  69. Why did the turkey cross the road?

    #69

    It was the chicken's day off.

  70. Why was the turkey arrested?

    #70

    It was suspected of fowl play.

  71. What do you call a turkey on Boxing Day?

    #71

    Lucky.

  72. How does Darth Vader like his Christmas turkey?

    #72

    On the dark side.

  73. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

    #73

    A mince spy.

  74. What's the most popular Christmas wine?

    #74

    "But I don't liiiike sprouts."

  75. What do you get if you eat the Christmas decorations?

    #75

    Tinsel-itis.

  76. Why did the turkey turn down pudding?

    #76

    It was already stuffed.

  77. What did one cracker say to the other?

    #77

    "My pop's bigger than yours."

  78. What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?

    #78

    Ice cream.

  79. How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?

    #79

    Deep pan, crisp and even.

  80. Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting?

    #80

    They keep dropping their needles.

  81. What do you call a Christmas tree that knows karate?

    #81

    Spruce Lee.

  82. What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an iPad?

    #82

    A pine-apple.

  83. How do Christmas trees get online?

    #83

    They log in.

  84. What did the bauble say to the tree?

    #84

    "I'm tired of hanging around."

  85. What did the big candle say to the little candle?

    #85

    "I'm going out tonight."

  86. What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?

    #86

    "Stick with me and we'll go places."

  87. What do angry mice send each other at Christmas?

    #87

    Cross-mouse cards.

  88. What's the best Christmas present ever?

    #88

    A broken drum. You can't beat it.

  89. What do you buy for the person who has everything?

    #89

    A burglar alarm.

  90. What do you give a dog for Christmas?

    #90

    A mobile bone.

  91. Why is a foot a good Christmas present?

    #91

    It makes a great stocking filler.

  92. What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar?

    #92

    He got 24 days.

  93. What do sheep say at Christmas?

    #93

    Fleece Navidad.

  94. What does a grumpy sheep say at Christmas?

    #94

    Baa humbug.

  95. What kind of bug hates Christmas?

    #95

    A humbug.

  96. What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?

    #96

    Jingle smells.

  97. Which athlete is warmest in winter?

    #97

    A long jumper.

  98. What did the beaver say to the Christmas tree?

    #98

    "Nice gnawing you."

  99. What's every parent's favourite Christmas carol?

    #99

    Silent Night.

  100. What's the Grinch's least favourite band?

    #100

    The Who.

  101. Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas?

    #101

    Noël Coward.

  102. Why is it always so cold at Christmas?

    #102

    Because it's Decembrrr.

  103. Why is everyone thirsty at the North Pole?

    #103

    No well, no well.

  104. How many presents can Santa fit in an empty sack?

    #104

    One. After that it's not empty.

  105. What comes at the end of Christmas Day?

    #105

    The letter Y.

  106. The kids' Christmas lists have arrived.

    #106

    One has hyperlinks.

  107. What do you get when you pull a cracker with your nan?

    #107

    Beaten. She's stronger than she looks.

  108. What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?

    #108

    A meltdown.

  109. What's the first thing Santa's elves learn at school?

    #109

    The elf-abet.

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