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Peak dad season

Christmas dad jokes
for the head of the table.

Christmas dad jokes for the head of the table: fairy lights, socks, pigs in blankets, the bin bag job and falling asleep in a paper hat. One-liners and anti-jokes from peak dad season.

94Christmas groaners·0apologies
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Fresh material for the head of the table

Christmas dad jokes belong somewhere between untangling the fairy lights and announcing that nobody is touching the thermostat. This collection is for the dad who considers carrying the bin bag on Christmas morning an official appointment. Expect festive wordplay, one-liners and observations about presents, dinner and the small domestic dramas that arrive with the decorations every year.

Choose a handful before everyone sits down rather than attempting the entire list over the sprouts. Short jokes work well in Christmas cards and family messages; the longer setups deserve a pause and an audience that has finished chewing. Read your choices first and match them to the people at your table. A well-timed groan is the goal. A ten-minute explanation of the pun rarely improves it.

Every joke below includes its punchline, with a link to its own page for sharing or saving to your Stash. If you are filling homemade crackers or want more traditional question-and-answer jokes about Santa and his helpers, try the Christmas cracker collection linked below. This page is the wider festive dad repertoire: material for the build-up, the big dinner and the leftovers afterwards.

  1. I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.

    #1

    You should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

  2. My dad reads every cracker joke out twice.

    #2

    Once for the room, once for himself.

  3. I untangled the fairy lights in under an hour.

    #3

    I'd like that on my gravestone.

  4. We're having my in-laws for Christmas.

    #4

    I'd have preferred turkey.

  5. My kids gave me a "get better soon" card for Christmas.

    #5

    I'm not ill. They just think I could get better.

  6. I asked for a universal remote for Christmas.

    #6

    This changes everything.

  7. My wife wanted something with diamonds for Christmas.

    #7

    I got her a pack of cards.

  8. Batteries not included.

    #8

    The three most frightening words in the English language at 6am on Christmas morning.

  9. Some assembly required.

    #9

    Translation: see you in the new year.

  10. I read the instructions this year.

    #10

    Afterwards. To find out what went wrong.

  11. The kids were up at 5am on Christmas morning.

    #11

    So was I. I'd only just finished building the bike.

  12. My one job on Christmas morning is holding the bin bag during presents.

    #12

    I've trained all year.

  13. I told the family I'd carve the turkey this year.

    #13

    They've booked a table.

  14. I've circled everything I want to watch in the Christmas TV guide.

    #14

    I will be asleep for all of it.

  15. Nothing says Christmas like falling asleep in a paper hat at 3pm.

    #15

    Peak performance.

  16. I do all my Christmas shopping at the petrol station.

    #16

    Nothing says "I love you" like screenwash and a pasty.

  17. We play Monopoly every Christmas.

    #17

    It's tradition. So is nobody speaking until the 27th.

  18. My wife says I'm impossible to buy for.

    #18

    I've asked for socks eleven years running.

  19. I put the heating up for Christmas Day.

    #19

    One click. It's a special occasion.

  20. Pigs in blankets.

    #20

    Proof that everything's better in a sleeping bag made of bacon.

  21. A chocolate orange counts as one of your five a day.

    #21

    I will not be taking questions.

  22. What do you call a mince pie left out since Boxing Day?

    #22

    Dad's breakfast.

  23. What's the difference between Christmas dinner and a Sunday roast?

    #23

    About four hours and one argument.

  24. What do you call turkey on the 27th?

    #24

    Still dinner, apparently.

  25. What's the worst present you can get?

    #25

    Socks. No, wait. Socks are brilliant now. I'm 46.

  26. I got a Christmas card full of rice.

    #26

    I think it's from my Uncle Ben.

  27. My wife told me to "just get her something small" this year.

    #27

    It's a trap, and I know it.

  28. The kids' Christmas lists have arrived.

    #28

    One has hyperlinks.

  29. I measured the tree. I measured the ceiling.

    #29

    I'm now sawing a foot off the tree in the lounge.

  30. Our Christmas tree leans to one side.

    #30

    It leans every year. It's a family tree.

  31. Who puts the empty wrappers back in the chocolate tin?

    #31

    Me. It was me. It's always been me.

  32. We did Secret Santa at work.

    #32

    I gave a mug. I got a mug. The circle of mug.

  33. I love the week between Christmas and New Year.

    #33

    Nobody knows what day it is, and cheese is a meal.

  34. What did Santa say to the reindeer?

    #34

    Nothing. He's a professional and they know the route.

  35. Why does Santa wear red?

    #35

    Brand consistency.

  36. What do you call an elf who sings?

    #36

    An elf. Singing isn't that unusual.

  37. How does Santa get down the chimney?

    #37

    Nobody knows, and his insurers would like a word.

  38. What's inside a Christmas cracker?

    #38

    A hat that doesn't fit, a joke like this one, and a tiny screwdriver you'll keep for nine years.

  39. Knock knock. Who's there?

    #39

    Carol singers. Turn the lights off and get down.

  40. Why did the snowman melt?

    #40

    It got warmer. That's how snow works.

  41. What's red and white and stuck in a chimney?

    #41

    A serious problem for whoever owns the chimney.

  42. What do you get when you pull a cracker with your nan?

    #42

    Beaten. She's stronger than she looks.

  43. What do you call Father Christmas in the summer?

    #43

    Dave. He does a bit of plastering.

  44. Where do you find reindeer?

    #44

    Depends where you left them.

  45. Which of Santa's reindeer is the best dancer?

    #45

    Dancer. That one's just true.

  46. What did the turkey say on Christmas Day?

    #46

    Nothing. By then it was a bit late.

  47. What's your new year's resolution?

    #47

    1920 by 1080.

  48. I've kept every new year's resolution I've ever made.

    #48

    They're in a drawer.

  49. My resolution is to stop procrastinating.

    #49

    I'm starting in February.

  50. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?

    #50

    Nothing. It was on the house.

  51. What's the difference between a knight and a reindeer?

    #51

    One slays the dragon, the other drags the sleigh.

  52. What did one snowman say to the other?

    #52

    "Can you smell carrots?"

  53. Why was the snowman rummaging in a bag of carrots?

    #53

    He was picking his nose.

  54. Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting?

    #54

    They keep dropping their needles.

  55. What's the best Christmas present ever?

    #55

    A broken drum. You can't beat it.

  56. What do you buy for the person who has everything?

    #56

    A burglar alarm.

  57. What do you call a turkey on Boxing Day?

    #57

    Lucky.

  58. Why did nobody bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?

    #58

    They were two deer.

  59. What's the best thing to put into a Christmas dinner?

    #59

    Your teeth.

  60. Why did the turkey join the band?

    #60

    It had the drumsticks.

  61. Why did the turkey turn down pudding?

    #61

    It was already stuffed.

  62. What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?

    #62

    Ice cream.

  63. What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?

    #63

    "Stick with me and we'll go places."

  64. What does a grumpy sheep say at Christmas?

    #64

    Baa humbug.

  65. Which athlete is warmest in winter?

    #65

    A long jumper.

  66. What's every parent's favourite Christmas carol?

    #66

    Silent Night.

  67. How many presents can Santa fit in an empty sack?

    #67

    One. After that it's not empty.

  68. Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?

    #68

    He had low elf-esteem.

  69. What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar?

    #69

    He got 24 days.

  70. Why is Santa so good at hip-hop?

    #70

    Years of wrapping.

  71. Why don't you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?

    #71

    He has private elf care.

  72. What did the big candle say to the little candle?

    #72

    "I'm going out tonight."

  73. What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?

    #73

    "Get out of my face."

  74. Where do snowmen go to dance?

    #74

    The snowball.

  75. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

    #75

    Snowflakes.

  76. What do snowmen wear on their heads?

    #76

    Ice caps.

  77. What do you call a snowman's dog?

    #77

    A slush puppy.

  78. Who delivers presents to baby sharks?

    #78

    Santa Jaws.

  79. Where do snowmen keep their money?

    #79

    In a snow bank.

  80. Why was the turkey arrested?

    #80

    It was suspected of fowl play.

  81. What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas?

    #81

    Sandy Claws.

  82. Who looks after elves when they're ill?

    #82

    The National Elf Service.

  83. What does Santa get when he's stuck in a chimney?

    #83

    Claus-trophobia.

  84. What does Santa do when the elves misbehave?

    #84

    He gives them the sack.

  85. How do you know when Santa's in the room?

    #85

    You can sense his presents.

  86. What does Mrs Claus say when she looks out of the window?

    #86

    "Looks like rain, dear."

  87. What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?

    #87

    Black mail.

  88. What happened when the snowwoman fell out with the snowman?

    #88

    She gave him the cold shoulder.

  89. How does Darth Vader like his Christmas turkey?

    #89

    On the dark side.

  90. What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?

    #90

    No i-deer.

  91. What do you call a Santa with no money?

    #91

    Saint Nickel-less.

  92. What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?

    #92

    A meltdown.

  93. What's the first thing Santa's elves learn at school?

    #93

    The elf-abet.

  94. Where do elves go to vote?

    #94

    The North Poll.

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