What's the worst dad joke of all time? Our entirely unofficial research department has ruled: "What's brown and sticky? A stick." Two words, one stick, and the confidence to wait for applause. That is the worst dad joke ever told, and we mean that as the highest praise this website can offer.
Below it sit 24 more, ranked on our thoroughly unserious editorial scale. Then the worst one-liners, the worst for kids, the worst for adults, the worst knock-knocks, and a short guide to delivering all of them properly, because a bad dad joke told badly is just a bad joke.
We're professionally unfunny. This is the professional bit.
The Dad Humor certification scale
These are playful editorial ratings, not research results or audience scores. The research department is a running joke; the groans are your own. Pressing Groan in the app changes a joke's reaction count, but this countdown remains our choice.
The 25 worst dad jokes of all time
Groaner tier (25 to 18)
Twenty-five. A gummy bear. Confectionery has entered the witness box. We start gently.
24. Certified Groaner. Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired. You may have heard this before and every dad tells it as though it's breaking news.
23. Certified Groaner. How do you organise a space party? You planet. The research department notes that this one also works as a sincere piece of advice.
22. Certified Groaner. I used to be a banker, but I lost interest. Ten words, no fat on any of them, and somehow that makes it worse.
21. Certified Groaner. What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug. A joke that is also just a name.
20. Certified Groaner. What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain. Officially the point at which cat owners stop being invited to things.
19. Certified Groaner. What did one wall say to the other? Meet you at the corner. Two walls. A conversation. Nobody asked how.
Eighteen. Two words. The forecast is getting worse.
Criminal tier (17 to 10)
17. Certified Criminal. Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the toilet? Because the P is silent. Spelling-based. Requires the listener to picture the word. That's a lot to ask.
16. Certified Criminal. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles. Say it out loud. Now say it again in front of your family and watch them leave.
15. Certified Criminal. What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer. Heavy machinery, and it's being used purely for evil.
Fourteen. The eyebrows one. Nobody is raising an eyebrow at that ending. It is already up there.
13. Certified Criminal. What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint. The first anti-joke on the list. There is no pun. There's just paint.
12. Certified Criminal. What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car? Tyrannosaurus Wrecks. Prehistory has asked to be left out of it.
11. Certified Criminal. What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for school? Bison. A farewell, a large animal, and no shame at all.
10. Certified Criminal. I'm terrified of lifts. I'm taking steps to avoid them. A joke that is also a sensible plan.
Unforgivable tier (9 to 4)
9. Certified Unforgivable. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing. The tomato has been embarrassed for about a hundred years now. Nobody's checked on it.
8. Certified Unforgivable. What do you call a fake stone in Ireland? A sham rock. Two words that were never supposed to be near each other.
7. Certified Unforgivable. Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work. Structurally it's perfect, which is exactly what makes it so morally bankrupt.
6. Certified Unforgivable. What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick. Keep an eye on the stick. It's about to have a big night.
5. Certified Unforgivable. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the cupboard? "Supplies!" A pun that requires a grown man to leap out of a cupboard. Commitment to the bit at its most physical.
Four. The original. A familiar anti-joke, and it still gets told at the dinner table as if the punchline is a surprise. The chicken gets to the other side. It always does.
Maximum Groan tier (3 to 1)
3. Certified Maximum Groan. Two fish are sitting in a tank. One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?" The military-vehicle reading arrives about two seconds late, and those two seconds are where the groan lives.
2. Certified Maximum Groan. Two aerials met on a roof and got married. The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant. A double pun. Two crimes in one sentence. The research department has asked for it to be tried separately.
One. A stick. Our pick for the worst dad joke of all time. The genius is that dads know exactly how small the ending is, and tell it anyway, and wait. That wait is the whole art form.
The worst dad jokes: one-liners
For the group chat. No setup, no build, straight to the damage.
- I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.
- I've got a fear of German sausages. I fear the wurst.
- Don't spell "part" backwards. It's a trap.
- I'd tell you a construction joke, but I'm still working on it.
- I tried to write a chemistry joke. Got no reaction.
- I used to be addicted to soap. I'm clean now.
- What's the best thing about Switzerland? No idea, but the flag's a big plus.
- Singing in the shower is lovely until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.
The worst dad jokes for kids
Short questions and silly answers for younger listeners. Pick words your audience knows.
- What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
- What do you call a dog that does magic? A labracadabrador.
- Why did the biscuit go to the hospital? It was feeling crummy.
- What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry.
- What time does a duck wake up? At the quack of dawn.
- What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman.
The worst dad jokes for adults
Still PG. Just a bit more life experience in the setup.
- My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
- I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
- My therapist says I have a preoccupation with revenge. We'll see about that.
- I told my doctor I'd broken my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
- I asked the gym instructor to teach me the splits. He asked how flexible I was. I said I can't do Tuesdays.
- My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall. I said maybe.
The worst knock-knock dad jokes
The knock-knock is the dad joke's older, louder cousin. It demands participation. That's the crime.
- Knock knock. Who's there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, it's freezing out here.
- Knock knock. Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No. Cows go moo.
- Knock knock. Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Don't cry, it's only a joke.
- Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interrupting co- MOO.
How to tell a bad dad joke properly
A bad dad joke told badly is just a bad joke. Told properly, it's an event. The research department's five rules:
- Deadpan. You are not telling a joke. You are sharing information. Your face should say "I've just remembered something important."
- The pause. After the setup, wait. Let them think it's a real question. The groan is built entirely in that gap.
- Let it land. Give the listener a moment. If they ask what it means, help them out; the joke isn't an exam.
- Know when to stop. One groan is plenty. Save the encore for someone who asks.
- Log the groan. A groan is a five-star review. Say "thank you" and move on as if you've won, because you have.
The Worst Dad Joke Award
Every joke in the Dad Humor app has a Groan button, and every groan is counted. That count is the award. The joke with the highest recorded Groan total in our app sits at the top of the leaderboard on our best-of page. It reflects our app's reactions, not a national poll. If you think something on this list has been under-certified, the appeal process is one tap.
Frequently asked questions
What's the worst dad joke ever? Our editorial pick is "What's brown and sticky? A stick." The answer is tiny; the confidence required to deliver it is enormous.
What makes a dad joke bad? A pun the listener sees coming, delivered by someone who saw it coming further away and told it anyway. The badness is the point. A dad joke that's too clever stops being a dad joke and becomes a joke, which is a demotion.
Are bad dad jokes actually funny? Yes, but not in the way the words are. The funny part is the gap between how seriously the teller takes it and how stupid it is. The groan is the laugh. Sometimes the laugh is also the laugh.
Go and groan at something
There are more groaners in the app, one at a time, with a Groan button waiting. Start with the classics, work through the anti-jokes, and finish in the so bad they're good collection, where this list came from. Then take the quiz to find out how many of these your own dad has already inflicted on you.
If you'd like the worst joke of the day delivered to your inbox before you've had coffee, that's here. Minimal commitment. Maximum groans.
